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Headlines & Links For Thursday, January 21st, 2010.


‘Hope for Haiti,’ an Earthquake Relief Global Telethon on ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CNN, BET, The CW, HBO, MTV, VH1, and CMT (Read More)	CBS RENEWS "NCIS: LOS ANGELES" AND "THE GOOD WIFE" FOR 2010-11 SEASON (Read More)	NBC.COM OFFERS 'PRODUCERS' CUT' OF 'PARKS AND RECREATION' (Read More)

AUTEUR, FILMMAKER AND ROCK MUSICIAN ROB ZOMBIE TO DIRECT AN EPISODE OF "CSI: MIAMI," TO BE BROADCAST MONDAY, MARCH 1       (Read More)

ABC AND CAFE PRESS FORM VISIONARY RELATIONSHIP TO LET VIEWERS CREATE AUTHORIZED SHOW MERCHANDISE       (Read More)

SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO MICHAEL JACKSON TO FEATURE NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN "THIS IS IT" TOUR FILM IN 3-D ON "THE 52nd ANNUAL GRAMMY(R) AWARDS," JAN. 31 ON CBS       (Read More)

NBC'S POST-WINTER OLYMPICS PRIMETIME SCHEDULE BEGINNING MARCH 1       (Read More)

QUOTABLES FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS" JANUARY 16, 2010       (Read More)

QUOTABLES FROM "LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON" January 11 - January 15       (Read More)

‘Hope for Haiti,’ an Earthquake Relief Global Telethon on ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CNN, BET, The CW, HBO, MTV, VH1, and CMT from Los Angeles, New York and Haiti to Air Friday, January 22 at 8:00 p.m. ET/PT

Los Angeles, Ca., January 15th, 2010.    In response to the devastating earthquake in Haiti, MTV Networks is presenting “Hope for Haiti,” a global telethon to air commercial-free across ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, CNN, BET, The CW, HBO, MTV, VH1, and CMT on Friday, January 22, 2010 at 8:00 p.m. ET/PT and 7:00 p.m. CT. “Hope for Haiti” will also be made available to MTV Networks International, CNN International and National Geographic channels worldwide.

Leading the charge for “Hope for Haiti” will be George Clooney in Los Angeles, Wyclef Jean in New York City and CNN’s Anderson Cooper from Haiti. The two-hour telethon will be broadcast from New York City and Los Angeles, and will feature musical performances and celebrity appearances to be announced prior to the event, as well as live news reports from CNN. ”Hope for Haiti” will be produced by Joel Gallen, Tenth Planet Productions, in collaboration with MTV Networks and George Clooney.

All proceeds will be split evenly among five relief organizations currently operating in Haiti: Oxfam America, Partners in Health, the Red Cross, UNICEF and Yele Haiti Foundation (www.yele.org/text to give at 501501). Facebook and MySpace have also signed on as official social media partners to help drive donations and tune-in to the telethon.

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CBS RENEWS "NCIS: LOS ANGELES" AND "THE GOOD WIFE" FOR 2010-11 SEASON

New York, N.Y., January 14th, 2010.               CBS's NCIS: LOS ANGELES and THE GOOD WIFE, the season's top two freshman series, have been renewed for the 2010-2011 broadcast season.

            NCIS: LOS ANGELES is the number one new program of the season with an average audience of 16.8 million viewers. The show is averaging a 5.3/12 in adults 25-54 and 3.8/10 in adults 18-49. Shane Brennan and R. Scott Gemmill are executive producers of NCIS: LOS ANGELES for CBS Television Studios.

            THE GOOD WIFE regularly wins its Tuesday (10:00-11:00 PM) time period in viewers (13.7m), adults 25-54 (4.2/11), adults 18-49 (3.0/8) and key women demographics. Compared to the time period a year ago, THE GOOD WIFE is up +3% in viewers, +5% in adults 25-54 and 8% in adults 18-49. Tony Scott, Ridley Scott, Robert King, Michelle King, David Zucker and Brooke Kennedy are executive producers of THE GOOD WIFE for CBS Television Studios.

            "Two great new series, fronted by talented stars on one big night of television," said Nina Tassler, President, CBS Entertainment. "We're proud of these shows and what they've accomplished on Tuesday night."

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NBC.COM OFFERS 'PRODUCERS' CUT' OF 'PARKS AND RECREATION' FEATURING WILL ARNETT AND JUSTIN THEROUX IN UNSEEN FOOTAGE

Universal City, Ca., January 14th, 2010.               NBC.com will present a special "Producers' Cut" version of NBC's comedy "Parks and Recreation" with extra footage and an extended version of the episode "The Set-Up," featuring guest-stars Will Arnett ("30 Rock," "Arrested Development") and Justin Theroux ("John Adams," "Tropic Thunder"). The full "Producers' Cut" episode will be available on NBC.com beginning Friday morning, January 15.

The special "Producers' Cut" will feature extra footage with Arnett and Theroux, improvisation, ongoing dialog with the primary characters/starring cast -- and an extra scene with Amy Poehler and Rashida Jones.

In "The Set-Up," Ann (Jones) sets Leslie (Poehler) up on a blind date with a co-worker (guest star Arnett) -- which does not go as well as Leslie had hoped. Meanwhile, an old friend of Ann's (guest star Theroux) makes Mark (Paul Schneider) feel insecure. Aziz Ansari, Nick Offerman, Aubrey Plaza and Chris Pratt also star in the episode.

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AUTEUR, FILMMAKER AND ROCK MUSICIAN ROB ZOMBIE TO DIRECT AN EPISODE OF "CSI: MIAMI," TO BE BROADCAST MONDAY, MARCH 1

Los Angeles, Ca., January 14th, 2010.               Filmmaker and musician Rob Zombie will bring his unique style of filmmaking to an episode of CSI: MIAMI, to be broadcast Monday, March 1 (10:00-11:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. The episode marks Zombie's television directorial debut.

            In the episode, the CSI team discovers that a listening device has been covertly planted at a crime scene, capturing a terrifying soundtrack of the murder and, possibly, the voice of the killer. However, when it's revealed that the bug was planted by the team's own Jesse Cardoza (Eddie Cibrian), the State's Attorney tosses the taped evidence and uncovers accusations of evidence tampering by Jesse on a murder case in Los Angeles. With the integrity of his team at stake, Horatio Caine (David Caruso) and Eric Delko (Adam Rodriguez) travel to Los Angeles to investigate and clear Jesse's name. While in Los Angeles, Horatio find himself face-to- face with secrets from Jesse's past and a dangerous element within the LAPD.

            "As writers, we were really pushing to create an interesting backdrop that could lend to Rob Zombie's visual style," says Marc Dube, co-executive producer. "We thought opening the episode at a macabre party, with Miami attendees all wearing stylized masks (a la "Eyes Wide Shut") would be a fun kick-off point for Rob to do what he does best: conveying the cruel and creepy underbelly of humanity."

            "I am very excited to be working on a show that has such an intense and unique visual angle on the classic crime drama formula and look forward to putting my own bizarre stamp on the world of CSI: MIAMI," says Zombie.

            A prolific musician, Zombie has multiple gold and platinum records, sales of over 15 million albums worldwide, and has directed over 25 music videos. His next album, "Hellbilly Deluxe 2," will be released on Feb. 2nd. His re-imagining of "Halloween" claimed the highest-grossing Labor Day weekend opening ever, followed by the 2009 success of "Halloween 2." His film accomplishments also include the critically acclaimed "The Devil's Rejects" and the cult classic "House of 1000 Corpses." Zombie has made a distinct mark in the music and film worlds with his uniquely sinister point of view that has resulted in success in both arenas.

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ABC AND CAFE PRESS FORM VISIONARY RELATIONSHIP TO LET VIEWERS CREATE AUTHORIZED SHOW MERCHANDISE

Los Angeles, Ca., January 19th, 2010.               ABC Entertainment Group and CafePress, the online epicenter for user-designed apparel and gifts, today announced a licensing agreement that allows TV fans to design and sell authorized show merchandise. Fans of the hit ABC shows - Lost, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Scrubs and Schoolhouse Rock along with Legend of the Seeker (from ABC Studios) - can unleash their creativity to design custom apparel and gifts by following the official guidelines. Fans can visit CafePress.com to create products and purchase merchandise designed by other fans fully encompassing fan engagement within this merchandise platform. In addition, CafePress will be launching a shop featuring official Schoolhouse Rock merchandise.

"These days, fans have more and more ways to engage with their favorite brands, be it through online fan sites, social media networks or blogs. CafePress takes fan engagement to the next level by mobilizing a community's passion to create a marketplace of tangible, unique products," comments CafePress Vice President of Marketing Amy Maniatis. "Through our licensing arrangement with ABC, we're able to engage top fan communities that are passionate about popular shows like Lost and Grey's Anatomy to create merchandise that can be inspiring, personalized and often insightful."

"Each week our dedicated ABC viewers tune in to follow the latest twists and turns of the Oceanic 815 survivors or to hear the latest gossip on Wisteria Lane," comments ABC Entertainment Group Vice President of Business Planning and Development Mia Rondinella, "Through our innovative relationship with CafePress, we're able to reward our viewers with a wholly unique and personal way to engage with the ABC shows and characters that they love. We value our fans immensely. Providing them with new and exciting ways to further express and share their passion for our shows is very important to us."

Fans can learn more about getting started on their own merchandise designs by visiting:
* Lost
* Desperate Housewives
* Grey's Anatomy
* Scrubs
* Legend Of the Seeker
* Schoolhouse Rock

About CafePress

CafePress is the world's biggest destination for self-expression through merchandise. Each month over 11 million shoppers visit CafePress to buy or create T-shirts, mugs, posters and other gifts that reflect their interests, passions, beliefs and affiliations. Launched in 1999, CafePress has empowered individuals, Non Profits and businesses to create, buy and sell customized merchandise online using the company's unique print-on-demand and e-commerce services. Today, CafePress is a growing network of over 6.5 million members who have unleashed their creativity to transform their artwork and ideas into an impressive catalog of over 250 million unique gifts.

Learn more about CafePress at http://www.cafepress.com or on their international sites in Australia (http://www.cafepress.com.au), Canada (http://www.cafepress.ca) and the United Kingdom (http://www.cafepress.co.uk).

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SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO MICHAEL JACKSON TO FEATURE NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN "THIS IS IT" TOUR FILM IN 3-D ON "THE 52nd ANNUAL GRAMMY(R) AWARDS," JAN. 31 ON CBS

Los Angeles, Ca., January 20th, 2010.               GRAMMY winners Celine Dion, Jennifer Hudson, Smokey Robinson, Carrie Underwood and Usher will join together, along with the voice of Michael Jackson, in a moving tribute to Jackson at THE 52nd ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS, broadcasting live from STAPLES Center in Los Angeles, Sunday, Jan. 31 (8:00-11:30 PM, ET/delayed PT) on the CBS Television Network. This very special GRAMMY Moment will feature the never-before-seen 3-D mini-movie for "Earth Song" that was created by Jackson as the centerpiece of his much anticipated "This Is It" tour and will now premiere during the GRAMMY performance.

The 3-D film was created to support the performance of "Earth Song," an original composition and a No. 1 hit for Jackson. The song has a strong theme about the future of the planet, and Jackson saw it as a unique opportunity to deliver a message to millions of people who would have seen him on tour.

"It was one of the most important portions of the concert tour to Michael and when Michael saw the film for the first time at his last rehearsal, there were tears in his eyes," according to Ken Ehrlich, GRAMMY Executive Producer and longtime Jackson associate, who was also at the rehearsal that night.

"This very special GRAMMY Moment will feature some of our most beloved GRAMMY winners, all of whom have a great love for Michael," added Neil Portnow, President/CEO of The Recording Academy. "This segment promises to be an emotional highlight of this year's show, and is sure to join the unique list of amazing performances for which the GRAMMY Awards have become renowned."

This special segment also represents another GRAMMY technical breakthrough in that it will be the first time a major awards show broadcasts in 3-D. The GRAMMY Awards were also the first award show to broadcast in high definition and 5.1 surround sound.

CBS and Target have partnered to provide millions of free 3-D GRAMMY Glasses so that viewers can enjoy this unique 3-D TV experience at home. From Sunday, Jan. 24, through Sunday, Jan. 31, Target stores nationwide will exclusively offer these 3-D GRAMMY Glasses so that fans have the opportunity to see the film that was very personal to Jackson. Additionally, the audience at STAPLES Center will be wearing the same glasses as those being worn by viewers at home.

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NBC PRESENTS POST-WINTER OLYMPICS PRIMETIME SCHEDULE BEGINNING MARCH 1

Universal City, Ca., January 14th, 2010.               NBC unveiled its new post-Winter Olympics primetime program schedule today. The new drama series "Parenthood" will premiere on Tuesday, March 2 (10-11 p.m. ET) and the comedy panel series "The Marriage Ref" from Jerry Seinfeld will premiere Thursday, March 4 (10-11 p.m. ET) after its sneak preview on Sunday, February 28 (10:30-11 p.m. ET) following NBC's coverage of the Closing Ceremony of the Winter Olympics.

In addition, the new alternative series "Who Do You Think You Are?" from Lisa Kudrow will premiere Friday, March 5 (8-9 p.m. ET) and the new game show "Minute to Win It" joins the lineup on Sunday, March 14 (8-9 p.m. ET). Also, "Friday Night Lights" will begin a new broadcast season on NBC on Fridays (8-9 p.m. ET) starting April 30 after "Who Do You Think You Are?" concludes its run.

The long-running series "Law & Order" continues its 20th season debuting on a new night with a two-hour telecast (9-11 p.m. ET) on Monday, March 1 before settling into its regular time period the following week, Monday, March 8 (10-11 p.m. ET). "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" will move to Wednesdays at 10-11 p.m. (ET) beginning March 3. Encore episodes will air at 9-10 p.m. (ET) followed by original episodes (10-11 p.m. ET). "Trauma" returns to the schedule Monday, March 8 (9-10 p.m. ET).

"Parenthood" is a one-hour drama inspired by the box-office comedy hit of the same name that debuts Tuesday, March 2 (10-11 p.m. ET). The re-imagined and updated production introduces audiences to the large and colorful yet imperfect Braverman family and features an all-star cast that includes Lauren Graham, Peter Krause, Craig T. Nelson, Erika Christensen, and Bonnie Bedelia among others. Serving as executive producers are Oscar winners Ron Howard and Brian Grazer ("A Beautiful Mind," "Frost/Nixon"), Jason Katims ("Friday Night Lights") - who wrote the pilot episode - and David Nevins ("Friday Night Lights," "Arrested Development"). Emmy Award winner Thomas Schlamme ("The West Wing") is the director and executive producer of the pilot. "Parenthood" is from Imagine Television and Universal Media Studios.

"The Marriage Ref" - which has a special sneak preview following the Closing Ceremony of the Winter Olympics on February 28 - is NBC's new comedy panel series about the unpredictable and hilarious institution commonly known as marriage. It features comedian/actor Tom Papa, who was personally selected by executive producer Jerry Seinfeld to host and serve as the "marriage ref." The show will premiere in its regular slot on Thursdays (10-11 p.m. ET) beginning March 4.

"The Marriage Ref" is produced by Seinfeld's Columbus 81 Productions and Ellen Rakieten Entertainment. Seinfeld, Ellen Rakieten ("The Oprah Winfrey Show"), Shed Media's Nick Emmerson ("Supernanny") and Jennifer O'Connell ("Supernanny"), Al Berman ("The Biggest Loser Live Finale," "The Celebrity Apprentice Live Finale"), Howard West ("Seinfeld") and George Shapiro ("Seinfeld") serve as executive producers. International distribution is by Endemol.

"Who Do You Think You Are?" premieres Friday, March 5 (8-9 p.m. ET) and gives viewers an up-close and personal look inside the family history of some of today's most beloved and iconic celebrities. Among the celebrities featured are Matthew Broderick, Lisa Kudrow, Spike Lee, Sarah Jessica Parker, Susan Sarandon, Brooke Shields and Emmitt Smith. Ancestry.com is NBC's official partner on the series. From executive producer Kudrow ("Friends," "The Comeback") - in conjunction with her production company Is or Isn't Entertainment and the U.K.'s Wall to Wall productions - "Who Do You Think You Are?" is an adaptation of the hit BBC television documentary series created and executive-produced by Alex Graham.

"Who Do You Think You Are?" is produced by Wall to Wall productions (a Shed Media Company) in association with Is or Isn't Entertainment. Alex Graham and Lucy Carter from Wall to Wall and Lisa Kudrow, Dan Bucatinsky and Don Roos from Is or Isn't Entertainment are the executive producers. Bryn Freedman is the co-executive producer.

All-American chef and television personality Guy Fieri ("Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives") will host NBC's new game show "Minute to Win It" as it debuts on Sunday, March 14 (8-9 p.m. ET). Fieri will serve as master of ceremonies and will lead competitors through a series of simple, yet nerve-wracking games that can reward them a $1 million prize. Over eight one-hour episodes, competitors will face 10 challenges that escalate in level of difficulty using everyday household items. Each game has a 60-second time limit and failure to finish the task on time will eliminate the contestant. At various points throughout the game, the contestant can walk away with the money earned up to that point - but it'll take nerves of steel to complete all 10 tasks to win $1 million.

"Minute to Win It" is produced by Universal Media Studios with Friday Television. Craig Plestis, Tim Puntillo (NBC's "Identity"), Mattias Olsson and Jock Millgardh serve as executive producers.

The new post-Olympics program schedule grid follows (all times ET); new series are in upper case.

MONDAYS
8-9 p.m. - "Chuck"
9-10 p.m. - "Trauma" (beginning March 8)
10-11 p.m. -"Law & Order" (returns March 1 with two-hour episode, 9-11 p.m. (ET); resumes in regular time slot March 8)

TUESDAYS
8-10 p.m. - "The Biggest Loser"
10-11 p.m. - "PARENTHOOD" (premieres March 2)

WEDNESDAYS
8-9 p.m. - "Mercy"
9-10 p.m. - "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (encores beginning March 3)
10-11 p.m. - "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (originals beginning March 3)

THURSDAYS
8-8:30 p.m. - "Community"
8:30-9 p.m. - "Parks and Recreation"
9-9:30 p.m. - "The Office"
9:30-10 p.m. - "30 Rock"
10-11 p.m. - "THE MARRIAGE REF" (premieres March 4; sneak preview February 28)

FRIDAYS
8-9 p.m. - "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" (premieres March 5; "Friday Night Lights" returns on April 30)
9-11 p.m. - "Dateline NBC" (begins March 5)

SATURDAYS (all beginning March 6)
8-9 p.m. - "The Biggest Loser" (encore episode)
9-10 p.m. - "Law & Order" (encore episode)
10-11 p.m. - "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (encore episode)

SUNDAYS (all beginning March 14)
7-8 p.m. - "Dateline NBC"
8-9 p.m. - "MINUTE TO WIN IT" (premieres March 14)
9-11 p.m. - "The Celebrity Apprentice" (season premiere March 14)

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QUOTABLES FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS" JANUARY 16, 2010

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR SETH MEYERS - "Sarah Palin signed a deal this week with Fox News to appear as a contributor on the network. So to whoever does the closed captioning at Fox, I hope you like abbreviatin'."

MEYERS - "Mark McGwire finally admitted in a statement Monday that he used steroids for a decade, including in 1998 when he broke baseball's home run record. The statement read 'Mark take steroids. Mark sorry.'"

MEYERS - "A new book called "Game Change," about the 2008 presidential campaign, is rocking the political world with a series of revelations from behind the scenes. Shocking revelations like this one's a dummy, this one likes the ladies and old white guys sometimes say 'negro.'"

MEYERS - "This week you didn't need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV. So, how did NBC let it come to this? Well, I think I can explain it. Let's say you're married. And it's the #1 marriage in the country. But then you meet someone else who just sweeps you off your feet so you say to her, "I want to marry you - in five years." And she says, "yes, I will wait 5 years to marry you." So then you go home and tell your current wife, "honey, in 5 years we are getting a divorce." Now you might think, your current wife would be super cool with that, and say "thank you for being honest" but it turns out, she's actually super mad. And as the 5 years pass, she gets in really good shape, so when the time comes for the divorce, she's looking better than ever. She looks so good that you see other people looking at her and you get jealous. So you come up with an awesome plan. You'll still marry the second person but you'll also stay married to the first. So you tell the new wife, "good news, we are totally married but every night when I get home I'm going to spend a half-hour with my first wife first, but then I'm all yours. And before you even see how she feels about it you hold a big press conference and tell people that you've changed the future of marriage. Now if you think the new wife is cool with this plan, she's not, she's super mad. And the first wife is also acting weird, you know, because you have two wives! But then just when you think you're stuck, you come up with a perfect plan to solve all your problems. You kill your second wife. The question now is will NBC be OK? That all depends on one thing: "Chuck." Lots of pressure on "Chuck" right now. Also, I feel bad for the writers of "Law and Order." They're gonna be responsible for ten hours of programming a day. They say their stories are ripped from the headlines but a newspaper only has so many headlines to rip out. The last episode I saw was about a broken air conditioner at a PTA meeting. Next week, two detectives are going to try and solve a sudoku. Look, obviously I'm invested in this because it affects me. If Jay can take his job back from Conan that means maybe Conan can take it back from Jimmy and that mean Jimmy might come back here and I cannot go back to being in a sketch once every three weeks."

MEYERS - "Frigid temperatures in Florida are threatening the state's citrus crops, which account for nearly 40 percent of the world's orange juice. So I guess diners will start serving it in even tinier glasses."

MEYERS - "NASA is investigating how a small bag of cocaine got into the hangar that housed the space shuttle Discovery. Said one NASA official, '5-4-3-2-1-Blastoff it's not mine!!!'"

MEYERS - "The Vatican newspaper called the film "Avatar" simplistic and criticized it for promoting the worship of nature as a substitute for religion. However, all this accomplished was putting the image in my head of the Pope in 3D glasses."

MEYERS - "According to a new tell-all book by Elvis Presley's doctor, the rock star suffered from gout, migraines and constipation, and was nearly blind from glaucoma. The book is entitled 'I am a Terrible Doctor.'"

MEYERS - "A Washington state blood center is offering a pint of beer to people who donate a pint of blood. Though if that offer is enticing to you, I'm not sure I'd want your blood."

MEYERS - "A man in Canada, who won the legal battle for the right to keep exotic pets, was fatally mauled by his pet tiger, in perhaps the clearest case ever of 'you win some, you lose some.'"

MEYERS - "A Weight Watchers group in Sweden was surprised when members showed up for their regular weigh-in at an office building and the floor collapsed. Which I assume was followed by a group shrug and walk to the pastry shop."

MEYERS - "In an interview, Jennifer Love Hewitt said that she likes to decorate her genitals with crystals. And that's probably the last time she'll ever get interviewed by Nick News."

MEYERS - "A new study from Oxford University found that women who carry extra weight around the hips, buttocks and thighs are at a lower risk for heart disease. Probably because they get so much cardio from constantly backing that thing up. The results were double checked by some other brothers, but they can't deny."

MEYERS - "The Queens gym teacher, who was caught on camera punching Jersey Shore cast member Snookie, was fired from his job this week because of the incident. Wait a second- which one's The Incident?"

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QUOTABLES FROM "LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON" January 11 - January 15

"Listen to this. In his weekly radio and Internet address, President Obama said, "We are on the verge of guaranteeing Americans health insurance whether they lose their job, change jobs, move, or get sick." Which means Jay, Conan and I are gonna be just fine."

"I don't know if you heard this, Sarah Palin, she just signed on to be a contributor to the Fox News Channel. She chose the job after carefully weighing her other option, "just going away."

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, I was watching 60 Minutes last night and a former McCain campaign aide said that when Palin found out she would become John McCain's running mate, she said, "It's God's plan." To which God responded "What, REALLY? Don't bring me into this!"

"There's more airline news. Four TSA workers at Los Angeles International Airport were videotaped snorting drugs. It was the first time people had ever seen lines go that fast at the airport."

"This is big news. Jared - the Subway guy - is getting married this summer. He's being fitted this weekend for one tuxedo that fits, and then a way bigger one to hold out in front of him at all times."

"Listen to this. A man in Chicago was arrested for growing marijuana in his apartment right above a preschool. It's impossible to tell if the pot affected the kids since preschool is like one big stoner party anyway. I mean, nap time, snack time, nap time, snack time."

"This is pretty surprising. A new study found that 5 percent of baby boomers admit to getting high and popping pills. Come on, I know he's a big guy, but it's not fair to call Rush Limbaugh "5 percent of baby boomers."

"Finally, a man in Chicago was just arrested for fondling himself at a Starbucks. He's been charged with two counts of "grinding his own beans."

"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News contributor tonight on "The O'Reilly Factor." It's the darndest thing, though - I tried to record it, but my DVR quit halfway through."

"Hey, any big fans of Jersey Shore out there? Well, listen to this. Snooki from "Jersey Shore" told People that she "would love" to have her own reality dating show called "Snookin' for Love." So far, Snobody's that interested."

"Also from "Jersey Shore," Vinny told People Magazine that if he can't become a comedian, he will "try to get into law school." Well, his first joke worked."

"Big political news out of New Jersey lately. The New Jersey Senate just approved a bill to legalize medical marijuana, a week after New Jersey voted not to allow gay marriage. Which means the New Jersey Senate was like, "Gay people getting married? What are you, high? No? Well let's get high then."

"I read this today. A 67-year-old woman and a 75-year-old man got married in the cafeteria of a Whole Foods Market in Florida where they met last year. Awwww, white people."

"Here's some health news for you guys. New research finds that having extra weight in your butt is actually healthy. Yeah, the study was conducted by a "Dr. S. Mix-a-Lot."

"Any cougars in the audience tonight? Well, Carnival Cruise Lines will no longer book "cougar"-themed cruises - for older women and younger men. Instead, they'll have to meet where they used to - on any other cruise."

"Check this out. A company in Texas has started a new social networking site for cowboys. The site would have launched earlier, but it took several days for a lawyer to explain to the cowboys that the name Yahoo.com was taken."

"And finally, a sex shop in Vancouver said it will give medal-winning Olympic athletes a free vibrator. As a result, experts say that men's figure skating will be more competitive than ever."

"Hey, did you guys see the season premiere of American Idol last night?! It must be crazy for those contestants, performing on national television while a few people decide your fate. Personally, I get enough of that here at NBC."

"A new report says that one year after Obama took office, 40 percent of top positions in his administration have yet to be filled. George Bush actually filled 62 percent of top positions during his first year. And Bill Clinton filled all the top positions, and even some of the weird sideways ones."

"I couldn't believe this. New York Governor David Paterson's 15-year-old son, Alex, was questioned by police for possession of a stolen debit card. Oh, let's see, running up a huge debt with money that isn't yours? I wonder who he learned that from."

"Check this out. Heidi Montag told People magazine that she's "beyond obsessed" with plastic surgery and underwent 10 procedures in one day. I think I speak for all Americans when I say that if she wants to look better, she should just have her Pratt removed."

"Hey, anybody here planning a vacation? Well, North Korea announced today that it plans to allow more American tourists into the country after years of restrictions. Although I'm not sure I'm a fan of their tourism slogan: "Come to North Korea! There's only a 36 percent chance we'll throw you in jail under fraudulent charges."

"Hey, A new study finds that the increase of obesity in the U.S. is starting to slow - mainly because so many Americans are already fat. So congratulations?"

"I read today that the producers of "Lost" won't be making any sequels or spin-offs to the series and that they "are definitively ending this story in May." Lost fans spent the next 12 hours on message boards trying to figure out what that really means."

"Listen to this. During a recent interview on C-SPAN, IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman said he doesn't do his own taxes because he finds "the tax code complex." Wait, what?!? That's like a surgeon saying, "You guys, blood grosses me out. So I don't wanna."

"During a house fire in the Bronx last night, fire fighters discovered a massive weed growing operation. The fire eventually put itself out, because it got tired of the firefighters staring at it and talking about how cool it was."

"When the firefighters got there, they immediately called for backup and several bags of Funyuns."

"Hey, this is bad. Wal-Mart announced this week that it will close 10 Sam's Club super-stores to reduce costs. Wow, even their bad news comes in a ten-pack. That's weird."

"And finally, the 13 billion dollar porn industry has suffered a 50 percent drop in DVD sales since 2006 because of the bad economy. It's the first time in history that porn stars have had trouble making ends meet."

"There's big news out of Washington today. President Obama announced a plan to recover federal bailout money from banks. I guess this explains why Biden was seen yesterday buying a gun and a ski mask."

"Hey, Groundhog Day is only a few weeks away and I read that Punxsutawny Phil will text his prediction this year. Hopefully, this will go better than last year, when he pressed the wrong button and sent naked pictures of his girlfriend to everybody."

"Listen to this. In an interview with People magazine, Michelle Obama said that she's heard about MTV's "Jersey Shore," but she hasn't seen it. Funny, that's exactly what the people on Jersey Shore said about the Obamas."

"I thought this was interesting. Newsweek is reporting that male-on-male sexual harassment is on the rise in the American workplace. Higgins."

"This was kind of a pain. Today, police here in New York shut down 7th Avenue because of a suspicious package. Hey, police - this is New York - EVERYTHING is suspicious. On my way to work today I saw a Hassidic guy with no pants playing the didjeridoo, I didn't shut down the city because of it."

"Speaking of suspicious packages, Higgins. Porn legend Ron Jeremy recently said that video games have "a much bigger negative influence on kids" than porn. Although Ron Jeremy did admit that both porn and videogames help to develop hand-eye coordination."

"Sad news. Donald Gurkey, the man who created SpaghettiOs, has died at the age of 83. Apparently, his last words were "Uh-oh."

"Hey, during a house fire in the Bronx this week, fire fighters discovered a massive weed growing operation. The fire eventually put itself out, cuz it got tired of the firefighters staring at it and talking about how cool the colors were."

"When the firefighters got there, they immediately called for backup, and several bags of Funyuns."

"I don't even know what to make of this. Canadian history magazine, The Beaver, is changing its name because of its unintended sexual connotation. So, starting with next month's issue, the magazine will be called "The - you know."

"Listen to this. Members of a gang here in New York City were busted yesterday for bragging about their crimes on MySpace. They were charged with two counts of "being so 2007."

"This is important. A new study found that 30 percent of Americans get less than 6 hours of sleep at night. Yeah, that's good to know, although it was totally unnecessary for that one guy to add, "if you know what I mean" to his answer."

"And finally, Victoria's Secret has a new "topless bikini" for women. It's just skimpy bottoms attached to your neck by a string, and it comes in three sizes, small, medium and "you really shouldn't wear this."

"Let's get right to the news. Last night, President Obama attended his daughter Malia's school recital. Not to see her perform or anything. Just to see if any of the kids had a solution to health care."

"During Malia's recital, Obama was so proud. He kept on turning to the other parents and saying, "That's my daughter up there!" And the other parents were like "You mean the snowflake surrounded by Secret Service agents? Yeah, we got it!"

"Everyone around the country is still focused on health care. President Obama recently said, "We've spent so much time talking about the House bill versus the Senate bill that we haven't been able to talk about how great the bill is overall." Then someone asked him how great it was, and he was like, "Not that great."

"I thought this was interesting. First lady Michelle Obama told reporters that she tries to stay grounded by thinking of herself as "Michelle" more than "First Lady." Then one reporter said, "It's good to hear that, Michelle." And she was like, "Please! It's 'First Lady.'"

"I love this story - A man in Texas rescued a puppy from a burning building and saved its life by giving it mouth-to-mouth. The dog later thanked the man by giving HIM nose-to-crotch."

"Yeah, a man saved a puppy's life by giving it mouth-to-mouth. I'm telling you, I haven't seen a guy kiss a dog like that since, well, since last night on "Jersey Shore."

"Check this out. A new study revealed that losing a few pounds prior to surgery could help reduce the risk of complications. When they heard this, Americans were like, "Ehh, we'll take our chances."

"This is cool. Thousands of people in Africa and Asia viewed an eclipse today when the moon crossed the sun's path. Yeah, kids across China watched the eclipse wearing those special protective sunglasses - which was neat, because they also made them."

"Listen to this. A man in Oregon was arrested after police searched his car and found a half-pound of marijuana, mushrooms, hashish, two rifles, a machete, and a samurai sword. Or as TSA screeners would call it, "Nothing suspicious."

"Did you guys hear this? Lady Gaga cancelled her concert in Indiana last night because she was feeling dizzy before the show. Doctors say Lady Gaga is fine, though it was hard to examine her cuz it took them twenty minutes just to find her face."

"And finally, authorities investigated a plane in Michigan after a man locked himself in the bathroom and said he had a bomb. The man says he's very sorry, and will definitely find a new way to refer to going to the bathroom."

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