ABC
ANNOUNCES THE CELEBRITY AND PROFESSIONAL PAIRINGS FOR THE EIGHTH
SEASON OF "DANCING WITH THE STARS" PREMIERING ON MARCH 9 ON
ABC
New York, N.Y.,
February 12th, 2009.
An all new cast of celebrities hits the dance floor on ABC's
"Dancing with the Stars" with the highly anticipated
two-hour season premiere, MONDAY, MARCH 9, 2009 (8:00-10:02 p.m., ET)
on ABC. Season Eight introduces us to 13 new stars, including the
youngest competitor to date, an NFL legend, a computer icon, a female
rapper, three music artists and a "Wildboy." Additionally,
"love is a battlefield" when, for the first time, three real
life couples take the ballroom floor. Husband and wife Ty Murray and
Jewel compete for bragging rights, while newly engaged professional
dancers Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff go head to head. To
top it off, country crooner Chuck Wicks teams with girlfriend and
two-time "Dancing with the Stars" champ Julianne Hough.
Following is the schedule for Season Eight (dates and times subject to
change):
* "Dancing with the Stars," two-hour performance show,
MONDAYS, MARCH 9 (8:00-10:02 p.m., ET) through MARCH 30
* "Dancing with the Stars the Results Show," one-hour,
TUESDAYS, MARCH 17 (9:00-10:02 p.m., ET) through MAY 12
* "Dancing with the Stars," 90-minute performance show,
MONDAYS, APRIL 6 (8:00-9:32 p.m., ET) through MAY 11
* "Dancing with the Stars," one-hour performance show,
MONDAY, MAY 18 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET)
* Season Finale, TUESDAY, MAY 19 (9:00-11:00 p.m., ET)
Dancing with the Stars" returns with new surprises and all the
elements viewers have come to know and love including the Kids
Ballroom competition. "Macy's Stars of Dance," which
features some of the most renowned dancers and choreographers of our
time will also be back on "Dancing with the Stars the
Results." One of the Macy's Stars of Dance performances will be
the hugely popular "Design-A-Dance" which made its debut
last season. In addition, couples will once again take part in a team
dance, group dance and face off as well as perform the Argentine
Tango; a first in the series. And in an exciting new twist, the bottom
two couples facing elimination will "Dance Off" to determine
who is dismissed in the first weeks of competition.
In alphabetical order, the 13 stars making their ballroom dancing
debut are:
BELINDA CARLISLE -- Belinda Carlisle is not only known as the lead
singer of the Go-Go's, the most successful all-female band of all
time, but also as one of the late '80s' most glamorous adult pop
soloists. The Go-Go's' 1981 multi-platinum hit debut, "Beauty and
the Beat," spawned mega hits "Our Lips Are Sealed" and
"We Got the Beat" and made the Go-Go's the first all-female
band (who wrote their own music and played their own instruments) to
achieve a No. 1 album. The following years saw continued success for
the girls with hits "Vacation," "Head Over Heels"
and "Turn to You." Belinda led off her solo career with the
gold debut "Belinda," and followed with huge mainstream hits
"Mad About You," "Heaven Is a Place on Earth" and
"I Get Weak." Since then she has released five more albums,
including 2007's French pop collection, "Voilΰ," and
continues to tour internationally, both with her Go-Go's sisters and
as a solo artist. She teams with Jonathan Roberts, who returns for his
sixth season.
DAVID ALAN GRIER -- David Alan Grier is recognized for his work in
television and film - in TV he's known from roles in "In Living
Color," "Life with Bonnie" with Bonnie Hunt, "DAG"
and, most recently, "Chocolate News" for Comedy Central. In
the feature world he has played memorable characters in numerous
films, including "Baadassss!," "The Woodsman,"
opposite Kevin Bacon and Mos Def, "15 Minutes,"
"Boomerang," "Bewitched," "Jumanji" and
Robert Altman's "Streamers." A multi-talented and Yale
School of Drama trained actor, David began his professional career on
Broadway as Jackie Robinson in "The First," for which he
earned a Tony nomination. He then joined the cast of "Dreamgirls,"
and went on to star opposite Denzel Washington in "A Soldier's
Play"; both actors continued their roles in the film version,
"A Soldier's Story." Davis is paired with Kym Johnson, who
returns for her sixth season.
JEWEL -- She grew up on a remote ranch in Alaska, where her family
were pioneers. From poverty and teen homelessness to the triumph of
international stardom, the three-time Grammy nominee has enjoyed
career longevity rare among her generation of artists and has sold 27
million albums worldwide. Her debut album, "Pieces of You,"
became one of the best selling debut albums of all time, going
platinum 12 times. Last year the singer/songwriter released her first
country record, "Perfectly Clear," which debuted at No. 1 on
the Billboard Top Country Albums chart. In May 2009, she will release
an album of original and traditional lullabies. Jewel lives on a
working ranch in Stephenville, Texas with her husband, World Champion
bull-riding superstar Ty Murray. She teams with 2006 U.S. National
finalist Dmitry Chaplin, who makes his "Dancing with the
Stars" debut.
SHAWN JOHNSON -- The youngest ever competitor on "Dancing with
the Stars," 17 year-old Olympian Shawn Johnson was the gold
medalist in balance beam at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, where
she also earned three silver medals in the team, floor exercise and
individual all-around categories. The current two-time National
Champion and high-school junior, Shawn appeared on a limited edition
Cheerios box in early 2009, led the pledge of allegiance at last
year's Democratic National Convention in Denver, was a headliner of
last fall's Tour of Gymnastics Superstars, and was named Choice Female
Athlete at the 2008 Teen Choice Awards. Her debut biography,
"Shawn Johnson -- Olympic Champion: Stories Behind the
Smile," was released in December. She teams up with former
"Dancing with the Stars" champ Mark Ballas, who returns for
his fourth season.
LIL' KIM -- Born Kimberly Denise Jones, Lil' Kim is a Grammy
Award-winning, multi-platinum rapper, singer, actress and fashion
icon. She is one of three female rappers to have a No. 1 Billboard Hot
100 hit with 2001's "Lady Marmalade," featuring Christina
Aguilera, Pink and Mya. As an actress she appeared on television shows
such as "Moesha" and "The Game," and on her own
reality series, "Countdown to Lockdown," which had the
highest-rated premiere in BET's history. On film she has appeared in
"Zoolander," "She's All That," "Juwanna
Man" and "You Got Served." She's currently working on
her fifth studio album, expected to be released in 2009. Lil' Kim
teams with reigning champ Derek Hough, who returns for his fourth
season.
GILLES MARINI -- Gilles Marini exploded onto the scene as Dante, the
Casanova living in the beach house next door to Kim Cattrall's
Samantha in the "Sex and the City" movie, a role which has
earned him international recognition. Born and raised in France,
Gilles joined the French army and was stationed in Paris, where he
served as a fireman for the famous Brigade des Sapeurs Pompiers de
Paris. After fulfilling his military duties, he decided to come to the
United States to learn English while working as a model. Gilles, who
has appeared in series such as "Ugly Betty," "Dirty
Sexy Money" and "Criminal Minds," will next be seen as
Vanessa Redgrave's husband on FX's "Nip/Tuck." He currently
resides in California with his wife, Carole, son Georges and daughter
Juliana. He teams up with two-time champion Cheryl Burke. Cheryl
returns for her seventh season.
TY MURRAY -- Ty Murray has been labeled the most accomplished rodeo
athlete in the century-long history of the sport. With a
record-setting seven All-Around World Championship titles and two bull
riding World titles under his belt, he has truly earned his nickname
as "King of the Cowboys." Now retired from competition, Ty
spends his time with his singer-songwriter wife, Jewel, on their
2,100-acre private ranch in Stephenville, Texas. He may have retired
from the arena, but Ty hasn't slowed down as a cowboy. In 2004 he
helped shepherd National Day of the Horse through the U.S. Senate,
encouraging Americans "to be mindful of the contribution of
horses to the economy, history and character of the United
States." He runs his working cattle ranch and trains horses
throughout the year. Additionally, he remains active with the
Professional Bull Riders, Inc. (PBR), an organization he and 19 other
elite bull riders founded in 1992. Ty serves as a board advisor,
promotes a top level bull riding event in his hometown, and provides
TV commentary for PBR events on NBC and VERSUS. He joins 10 Dance
Youth National champion Chelsie Hightower, who makes her series debut.
STEVE-O -- Determined to build a career in television and film,
Steve-O, a.k.a. Stephen Glover, sent his self-produced videos to
anyone he thought might watch them, including Jeff Tremaine (MTV's
"Jackass" creator/director/producer). Steve-O wrote himself
a "mile of work" to do for Tremaine and "Jackass."
When MTV rejected his more dangerous ideas, he produced his own
"too hot for TV" video series and stage show with the
"Don't Try This at Home Tour." Steve-O also starred in his
own show for MTV, "Wildboyz." 2006 U.S. Youth Latin champ
and 2007 World Swing Dance champ Lacey Schwimmer returns for her
second season to team with Steve-O.
NANCY O'DELL -- The co-anchor of "Access Hollywood," Nancy
O'Dell has contributed reports to NBC's "Today Show" and
"Dateline NBC." Beyond covering events such as the Oscars,
the Emmys, the Grammys and the Golden Globe Awards, Nancy has been
chosen by NBC for the last eight years to host two of their big annual
network broadcasts, the Golden Globes Arrivals Special and the
Tournament of Roses Parade. Not only is she one of the country's most
respected and leading entertainment journalists, she has also appeared
in numerous films, including "Thank You For Smoking,"
"Scream 2," "Scream 3," "Martin Lawrence
Live: Runteldat," and the television series "30 Rock,"
"Project Runway," "Charmed," "Joey,"
"Third Watch," "Beverly Hills, 90210," "Days
of Our Lives," "Melrose Place," "General
Hospital," "Just Shoot Me" and "Ally McBeal,"
among others. Nancy is also an author; her new book, "Full of
Life: Mom to Mom Tips I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I was
Pregnant," for publisher Simon Spotlight Entertainment, will be
in stores April 14, 2009. Although she maintains a busy work schedule,
Nancy regularly makes time for philanthropic endeavors. The Muscular
Dystrophy Association, American Red Cross, March of Dimes, Best
Buddies and Childhelp USA have all benefited from her time and
efforts. She resides in Los Angeles with her husband, Keith, their
daughter, Ashby, and two stepsons, Tyler and Carson. She teams with
Tony Dovolani, who returns for his seventh season.
DENISE RICHARDS -- Known for her roles in films such as "Wild
Things" and "Starship Troopers," Denise Richards got
her start as a fashion model before making her way into television and
movies. She was cast as Bond girl and geo-physicist Christmas Jones in
the 1999 James Bond film, "The World Is Not Enough," as well
as appearing in films such as "Drop Dead Gorgeous,"
"Undercover Brother" and "Scary Movie 3." In
addition to her film work, Denise has made regular appearances in the
comedies "Spin City," "Two and a Half Men,"
"Friends" and "Seinfeld." She is currently working
on the second season of her own reality television show, "Denise
Richards: It's Complicated," airing on E! Entertainment
Television. She teams with Maksim Chmerkovskiy, who returns for his
sixth season.
LAWRENCE TAYLOR -- Widely regarded as the greatest defensive player in
the history of the National Football League, Hall of Famer Lawrence
Taylor rewrote the record book and built a legendary following during
one of the most storied careers in the history of American sport. He
spent his entire career with the New York Giants, leading them to two
Super Bowl titles. He was the first player in history to be selected
to the Pro Bowl in ten consecutive seasons. He was also a unanimous
selection to the NFL's 75th Anniversary team, which honored the top
players in the history of the game, was the NFL's Rookie of the Year
in 1981, Most Valuable Player in 1986, and was the three-time NFL
Defensive Player of the Year. Lawrence was inducted into the Hall of
Fame in his first year of eligibility in 1999. "LT" has
written two bestselling books ("Living on the Edge" and
"Over The Edge"), has appeared in feature films (including
"Any Given Sunday," "The Waterboy" and
"Shaft") and is an avid golfer and philanthropist. He teams
with Edyta Sliwinska, who is the only pro to compete in all eight
seasons of "Dancing with the Stars."
CHUCK WICKS -- A gifted songwriter and vocalist, Chuck Wicks made a
compelling impression with his Top 5 smash, "Stealing
Cinderella," the fastest-rising single by a debut country act in
2007. By the time his first album, "Starting Now" (RCA
Nashville), was released in January 2008, he had begun a year-long,
750,000 fan-packed tour opening for superstar Brad Paisley. Chuck
co-penned 10 of the 11 songs on his debut CD, including his second
hit, "All I Ever Wanted," and the new single, "Man of
the House," a touching story-song about a boy taking on
beyond-his-years responsibilities while his father is on military
assignment. For more information, please go to: www.chuckwicks.com or
www.myspace.com/chuckwicks. Chuck teams with girlfriend and two-time
champ Julianne Hough, who returns for her fifth season.
STEVE WOZNIAK -- A Silicon Valley icon and philanthropist for the past
three decades, Steve Wozniak, a.k.a. "The Woz," helped shape
the computer industry with his design of Apple's first line of
products, the Apple I and II, and influenced the popular Macintosh.
After leaving Apple Computer Inc. in 1985, he was involved in various
business and philanthropic ventures, focusing primarily on computer
capabilities in schools and stressing hands-on learning and
encouraging creativity for students. In 2000 Steve was inducted into
the Inventors Hall of Fame and was awarded the prestigious Heinz Award
for Technology, The Economy and Employment. He is also a published
author with the release in 2006 of his New York Times best-selling
autobiography, "iWoz: From Computer Geek to Cult Icon." He
teams with Karina Smirnoff, who returns for her sixth season.
Viewers may cast their votes for their favorite teams via phone on
Monday night during and up to 30 minutes after the "Dancing with
the Stars" performance shows. AT&T subscribers may also text
message their votes by texting the word "VOTE" and entering
the number that corresponds to the team they want to support (standard
text message rates apply). Viewers may also vote online at www.abc.com
starting from the opening of each episode on the East Coast and until
12:00 Noon, ET the following day.
Hosted by Tom Bergeron ("America's Funniest Home Videos")
and Samantha Harris ("The Insider"), the celebrities will
perform choreographed dance routines which will be judged by renowned
Ballroom judge Len Goodman and dancer/choreographers Bruno Tonioli and
Carrie Ann Inaba.
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"JIMMY
KIMMEL LIVE" TO BROADCAST FOURTH CONSECUTIVE POST-ACADEMY AWARDS
SPECIAL, SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22 ON ABC
New York, N.Y.,
February 12th, 2009.
The "Jimmy Kimmel Live"
post-Oscar celebration will be broadcast LIVE from the El Capitan
Entertainment Center in Hollywood on SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22 (12:05-1:05
a.m., ET, approx), immediately following the late local news.
During last year's post-Academy Oscar special, Jimmy's star-studded
revenge video featuring Ben Affleck responding to Sarah Silverman and
Matt Damon's video was an instant viral sensation, garnering millions
of hits. Celebrities who appeared in the video included Brad Pitt,
Harrison Ford, Cameron Diaz, Robin Williams, Don Cheadle, Dominic
Monaghan, Joan Jett, Perry Farrell, Lance Bass, Josh Groban, Pete
Wentz, Huey Lewis, Macy Gray, Meat Loaf, Good Charlotte's Joel and
Benji Madden, Dick Barrett and many more.
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ROCK
SUPERSTARS U2 TO PERFORM AN UNPRECEDENTED FIVE CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS ON
"LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN," MONDAY, MARCH 2 THROUGH
FRIDAY, MARCH 6
New
York, N.Y., February
17th, 2009.
Rock
superstars U2 will perform an unprecedented five nights in a row on
the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, Monday, March 2 through Friday,
March 6 (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network.
This will be the first time that a musical guest will perform an
entire week on the CBS late night broadcast.
The band will release their 12th album, No Line on the Horizon,
March 3. They performed their first single off the album,
"Get On Your Boots," at the 51st Annual GRAMMY Awards last
weekend, and the song is already climbing the music charts.
U2 last appeared on the LATE SHOW on Oct. 29, 2001, where they
performed and Bono was also interviewed on the broadcast. On
June 10, 1997, Bono appeared with Larry Mullen Jr. to talk to
Letterman on the program.
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'LATE
NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON' SHOW ANNOUNCES KEY HIRES
New York, N.Y., February
17th, 2009.
A.D. Miles, stand-up comic and
actor, has been hired as the head writer for the "Late Night with
Jimmy Fallon" show, which premieres on NBC Monday, March 2 at
12:35 a.m. ET.
Miles, began his career as a stand-up comic on New York's alternative
comedy scene and branched out to TV and film roles. He has also
written and directed a number of short films.
Steve Higgins, a producer and writer for "Saturday Night
Live" will be the show's announcer. Higgins has five Emmy
nominations, an Emmy win, and three Writer's Guild Awards to his
credit and will continue his work on "Saturday Night Live".
Dave Diomedi has been added as the show's director. Diodmedi has
directed several films, music documentaries and most notably, VH1's
"Storytellers."
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ABC DAYTIME AND SOAPnet
ANNOUNCE A SPECIAL AUTOGRAPH EVENT
New York, N.Y.,
February 17th, 2009.
In celebration of the fifth
annual "ABC and SOAPnet Salute Broadway Cares/ Equity Fights
AIDS" benefit, the producers are proud to announce a second day
for fans of "All My Children," "One Life to Live"
and "General Hospital" to meet, greet and get signed
autographs from some of their favorite ABC Daytime stars.
The event, which is part of the Soap Nation Tour, will be held on
Tuesday, March 10 from 9:00-11:00 a.m. and 11:00 a.m.-1:00 p.m. on the
set of ABC's "The View," at 320 West 66th street in New
York. There will be a minimum $10.00 cash preferred donation per
person, with all proceeds benefiting BC/EFA. Fans are encouraged to
arrive early, as autographs are limited. Actors' headshots will be
provided.
Talent confirmed to participate to date includes Thorsten Kay, Debbi
Morgan, Darnell Williams and Cameron Mathison from "All My
Children," Kristen Alderson, Farah Fath, John-Paul Lavoisier,
Erika Slezak, Trevor St. John and Bree Williamson from "One Life
to Live," and Bradford Anderson, Brandon Barash and Tony Geary
from "General Hospital" (talent participation is subject to
change).
Tickets are still available for the Monday, March 9 benefit
performance at Town Hall in New York City, which is headlined by Susan
Lucci and hosted by Cameron Mathison. Tickets can be purchased online
at www.broadwaycares.org.
"ABC and SOAPnet Salute Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS"
marks the fifth benefit BC/EFA has produced in conjunction with the
network in support of the organization. To date, this annual benefit
has raised over one million dollars for the organization.
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UPCOMING
GUESTS ON THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"
Thursday,
Feb. 19
Actor David Spade from the CBS comedy series "Rules of
Engagement"; musical guests David Sanborn with Sam Moore
Friday,
Feb. 20
Journalist Barbara Walters; comedian Mike Birbiglia; musical guest
Shemekia Copeland
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ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
February
19
1. Actress Rosie Perez ("The Take")
2. Actor Danny McBride ("East Bound and Down")
February 20
1. Musical guest Kinky
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LISTINGS
FOR 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'
Thursday,
February 19 Show 2724 TBA
Friday, February 20 Show 2725 Guests include musical guest The
White Stripes
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UPCOMING
GUESTS ON "THE LATE LATE SHOW with CRAIG FERGUSON"
Thursday,
Feb. 19
Judge/musician Paula Abdul; NASCAR driver Carl Edwards
Friday,
Feb. 20
Actress Rosie O'Donnell; music by The Knux
Monday,
Feb. 23
Talk and performance with musician Trace Adkins; blogger Perez Hilton
Tuesday,
Feb. 24
Actor Michael Clarke Duncan; author Richard Zoglin; music by Adele
Wednesday,
Feb. 25
Actress Wanda Sykes from the CBS comedy series "The New
Adventures of Old Christine"; music by Glasvegas
Thursday,
Feb. 26
Actor Tom Selleck; music by Glen Campbell
Friday,
Feb. 27
Actress Rosie O'Donnell; music by The Knux
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LISTINGS
FOR "LAST CALL WITH CARSON DALY"
Thursday,
February 19 976 Joey Fatone
Friday, February 20 977 TBD
Monday, February 23 963 Kat Von D/Ben Kronberg with musical guest
LMFAO
Tuesday, February 24 964 Matt Ryan with musical guest Ida Maria
Wednesday, February 25 965 Steve Knopper with musical guest
Company of Thieves
Thursday, February 26 967 Kevin Hart with musical guest Yelle
Friday, February 27 968 Daniel Suarez/Jeff Dunham with musical
guest Razorlight
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QUOTABLES
FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S' 'WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS'
FEBRUARY
14, 2009
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR SETH MEYERS - "The Senate on
Friday gave final approval to the 787 billion dollar economic stimulus
package. The 1073 page bill is titled "The American Recovery and
Reinvestment Act." Though in what many see as a troubling sign,
it's subtitled,
'For Dummies.'"
MEYERS - "NASA reported that two communications satellites on
Tuesday collided in orbit, which explains why my OnStar kept screaming
'save yourself!'"
MEYERS - "Barack Obama on Tuesday became the 10th American
president to call on Helen Thomas at a White House press conference.
And she asked the same first question she always does, 'How will you
end slavery?'"
MEYERS - "In an interview with ESPN Alex Rodriguez admitted
Monday that he's taken steroids. Though apparently never in
October."
MEYERS - "While on a goodwill trip to Sierra Leone, actress Salma
Hayek nursed another woman's baby boy. However, the moment was marred
when the baby burst. Hayek said she nursed the boy because she noticed
he was hungry. In a related story (crying sounds)
"
MEYERS - "Federal prosecutors want to send former mayor and
current Washington DC council member Marion Barry to jail because they
say he failed to file tax returns for eight of the last nine years.
Barry is expected to plead 'bitch set me up.'"
MEYERS - "Dr. Michael Kamarava, the in-vitro fertilization
specialist who helped Nadya Suleman conceive 8 babies, has reportedly
impregnated a 49 year-old woman with quadruplets. While I don't know
what an appointment with Dr. Kamarava is like, I imagine it starts a
little something like this:(Smiling, rubs hands maniacally like a mad
scientist.)"
MEYERS - "Colonel Sanders handwritten recipe for fried chicken
was returned to KFC headquarters in Kentucky this week after five
months in hiding while security around it was upgraded. Spoiler alert:
it's salt, everybody. The secret ingredient is salt."
MEYERS - "A homeless man in Florida, who claimed to be the
drummer for the rock band Foreigner, allegedly tricked a woman into
letting him use her Corvette and then promptly crashed it.
Fortunately, he got out of jail in time to make his appearance on
Letterman."
MEYERS - "Police in Ohio say an 18 year-old ordered more than
37,000 dollars worth of candy online and charged the bill to his
former high school. Though if you're 18 and the only thing you can
think of to spend 37,000 dollars on is candy, maybe a little jail time
will do you some good."
MEYERS - "Today is Valentines Day. So we just want to say to
everyone watching at home: better luck next year."
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QUOTABLES
FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN' February 9 February 13
"Earlier today New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez confirmed reports
that he has taken steroids in the past. Officials aren't sure WHEN
A-Rod took steroids, but they're pretty sure it wasn't October."
"Earlier today President Obama was taking questions at a big Town
Hall meeting and to make sure he was fair Obama said he was going go
"girl, boy, girl, boy". Obama calls this, "The Lindsay
Lohan System"."
"A new study was released listing companies that might not
survive 2009, one of them was Krispy Kreme. Also not likely to survive
2009
Krispy Kreme's customers."
"A sheriff in South Carolina is threatening to charge swimmer
Michael Phelps with a crime if he can prove that Phelps actually
smoked pot. So far all the sheriff has to go on is a photo of Phelp's
smoking pot and Phelps' admission of guilt."
"In Colorado, a man has built an exact replica of a Pizza Hut
booth out of Pizza Hut pizza boxes. Apparently, the glue that holds
all the boxes together is made from sadness."
"A new study has found that women who enjoy regular orgasms are
more likely to be successful at work. This is especially true if
they're prostitutes."
"This Sunday on Valentine's Day, the TLC network is airing a
documentary called "World's Heaviest Man Gets Married." This
will be followed by a documentary on the honeymoon called
"World's Unluckiest Woman Gets Squashed.""
"In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to
legalize gay marriage has filed for divorce. The couple is upset
because they always swore they'd "stay together for the
cats.""
"Things are winding down here only 10 shows left. Things are
a lot different since we started our show - when we came on the air
back in 1993, the federal debt was $4 Trillion. Now $4 Trillion is how
much President Obama's cabinet owes in back taxes."
"Yesterday, when President Obama was getting into his helicopter
he accidentally bumped his head on the door. When he heard about
it, President Bush said "See??? It's complicated,
right???""
"Today Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a speech on the
economy. Obama's speech was interrupted 5 times by applause and 6
times by old people whispering "Is he Cuban?""
"In a new interview, swimmer Michael Phelps says that ever since
he was caught smoking marijuana, he's had trouble sleeping. However,
Phelps says he's had NO trouble eating cookie dough and discussing the
final season of "Thundercats.""
"Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted to using steroids
A-Rod gave an interview, he says he used steroids due to the pressure
of his $250 million contract. Which makes you wonder what kind of
steroids is Oprah on?"
"A man in Sweden set a record for non-stop TV viewing for
watching the show "24" for 72 straight hours. Even more
impressive, a guy in Norway watched an entire episode of
"According to Jim.""
"The other day in Indiana, a woman burst into tears while she was
robbing a Long John Silver's and told the cashier, "If I weren't
down and out, I wouldn't be doing this." Then the cashier told
her, "That's what all our customers say.""
"A new study has found that after a woman experiences an orgasm
she is more likely to be successful at work. The study also found
that after a MAN experiences an orgasm he is more likely to take a
nap, pants-less, in front of the computer."
"Valentine's Day is coming up Valentine's Day is this weekend
and White Castle is offering candlelight dinners to its customers.
It's perfect for the guy who has trouble saying, "I hate
you.""
"Michael Phelps says that after his marijuana controversy, he
tried to call his sponsor Kellogg's, but they wouldn't return his
calls. Then Phelps realized that he'd been calling them on a
banana."
"Earlier today, Brett Favre announced that he is walking away
from professional football. In other words, Favre will be back with
the Jets next year."
"When Yankee Slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted he used steroids, he
said, "I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every
day." And that was just with Madonna."
"In Florida, a man stole a woman's car by pretending to be the
drummer for the band Foreigner. Police arrested the man after they
found him hiding in 1983."
"Carmen Electra is suing an organization called the "Naked
Women's Wrestling League" because they didn't pay her for hosting
a TV special. I just wanna say Naked Women's Wrestling League
have you no shame?"
"HBO has announced that they're developing a new series about a
high school basketball coach with an oversized penis called
"Hung." Meanwhile, NBC is developing a similar series
called, "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.""
"A new survey has found that 40 percent of people think it's
romantic to get engaged on Valentine's Day. The other 60 percent are
men."
"New York's Transit Authority says they're going to celebrate
Valentine's Day by putting stories on their website about couples who
met on the subway. My personal favorite is this touching story of how
Drunk Passed Out Girl met Creepy, Fondle-ly Guy."
" Swimmer Michael Phelps says that right after he got caught
smoking marijuana, he tried to call his sponsor Kellogg's, but they
wouldn't return his calls. Actually Phelps wasn't calling to
apologize, he was trying to get some Rice Krispie treats
delivered."
"This week Senator John McCain sent out an email to his
supporters announcing that he's running for re-election in 2010. Isn't
that amazing
John McCain knows how to use e-mail."
"Dunkin Donuts has started selling a waffle, bacon, egg, and
cheese sandwich because they say they want to offer their customers a
choice. Apparently the choice is "die in 5 minutes" or
"die right now.""
"The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue came out this week and
they're expecting it to sell over 65 million copies. UNLESS people
find out about the Internet."
"A man in Canada says he's invented an "invisible
condom." Ladies I want to give you a heads up: He's
lying.""
"The other day in Africa, actress Salma Hayek breast-fed a
stranger's baby because the baby wanted milk. Afterwards, the baby
admitted that he wasn't thirsty and he's 15 years old."
"It's Valentine's Day tomorrow and according to a new sex survey,
one of the top places people fantasize about having sex in is a phone
booth. This is a survey among people who haven't updated their sexual
fantasy in 15 years."
"It's been reported that Michael Phelps wants $1 million dollars
for his first interview about his marijuana scandal. Although Phelps
said he'd settle for a box of Pop Tarts."
"The state of Indiana is considering passing a law that would
require chains like Olive Garden to put the amount of calories on the
menu. The law would also require Olive Garden to put Italian food on
the menu."
"NBC announced that they're giving a new show to late night
infomercial host Tony Robbins. The show will be followed by Law &
Order: Sham Wow."
"It's being reported that Pamela Anderson has moved into a mobile
home with her electrician boyfriend. Experts are calling it the
classiest thing she's ever done."
"As part of his re-election campaign, the mayor of a city in
Mexico has been giving out free Viagra. His supporters say they're
excited about his campaign for up to 4 hours."
"According to a new book, there is a surprising number of
mobsters who are gay. Apparently, this creates confusion when the gay
mobsters tell someone to "get in the trunk.""
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