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Editor's Blog

HEADLINES & LINKS FOR THURSDAY, MAY 1st, 2008.

NBC SPORTS TO BROADCAST 2008 U.S. OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP IN PRIMETIME           The best golfers in the world will appear on NBC in primetime as NBC Sports today announced the broadcast schedule for the 2008 U.S. Open Championship from Torrey Pines in San Diego, Calif.  (Read More)

LISTINGS FOR 'LAST CALL WITH CARSON DALY'          May 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9   (Read More)

NBC ANNOUNCES GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER AND OSCAR-NOMINATED ANGELA BASSETT WILL JOIN THE CAST OF 'ER' FOR 15TH AND FINAL SEASON           NBC announced that Golden Globe winner and Oscar nominee Angela Bassett will join the cast of NBC's long running show "ER"   (Read More)

NBC AND FREMANTLEMEDIA NORTH AMERICA TEAM-UP WITH MYSPACE ON VIRTUAL AUDITION CITY EPISODE OF HIT SUMMER SERIES 'AMERICA'S GOT TALENT'          For the first-time ever, NBC's hit summer series "America's Got Talent," will team up with MySpace on a virtual audition city episode as part of a nationwide search for the hottest performers in the country to compete in the blockbuster reality show's third season.   (Read More) 

NBC NEWS EXCLUSIVE: MEREDITH VIEIRA SITS DOWN WITH SEN. BARACK OBAMA AND HIS WIFE MICHELLE OBAMA          In an NBC News exclusive interview, Meredith Vieira will sit down with Sen. Barack Obama and his wife Michelle Obama in Indianapolis, IN.   (Read More)

TIM RUSSERT TO INTERVIEW DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BARACK OBAMA IN A 'MEET THE PRESS' EXCLUSIVE ON SUNDAY, MAY 4          As Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) heads into next Tuesday's critical primaries in Indiana and North Carolina, he will sit down with NBC News' Tim Russert for an hour long exclusive interview on "Meet the Press" Sunday, May 4.   (Read More) 

LISTINGS FOR 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'          May 1,2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 12, 13, 14 ,15 & 16.  (Read More)

NICK LACHEY TO HOST DISNEY'S "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL: SUMMER SESSION"           Open Casting Calls on 4/27 in Long Beach, CA and 5/7 at Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL Actor, singer/songwriter Nick Lachey will host this summer's reality show, Disney's "High School Musical: Summer Session". (Read More)

ABC.COM TO HOST VIDEO BLOG WITH CAST OF "WOMEN'S MURDER CLUB"           Bestselling Author James Patterson to Answer Fans' Questions Beginning today, viewers can go to ABC.com to see their questions answered by the cast of "Women's Murder Club," including video responses from Angie Harmon, Paula Newsome, Aubrey Dollar, Laura Harris, Tyrees Allen and Rob Estes. (Read More)

IT'S THE 400th EPISODE, ON ABC'S "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS"           "America's Funniest Home Videos," the longest-running primetime show in ABC history, celebrates another landmark, its 400th episode. (Read More)

MASSIVE CROWD TURNS OUT FOR FIRST OPEN CASTING SESSION FOR "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL: SUMMER SESSION"          Next Casting Call Is May 7 at Champion Stadium In Disney's Wide World of Sports Complex in Orlando. Details Available at www.abc.com/hsmusicalsummersession. (Read More)

MATT FACES THE WOMEN HE REJECTED AND THE CLAWS COME OUT, AS FIFTEEN JILTED BACHELORETTES CONFRONT THE SEXY BRIT, ON "THE BACHELOR: LONDON CALLING -- THE WOMEN TELL ALL," MONDAY, MAY 5 ON ABC           "The Women Tell All" It's an explosive reunion viewers won't want to miss, as the most memorable bachelorettes from this season, including Ashlee, Carri, Marshana, Robin and Stacey, return to confront each other and Matt one last time on national television to dish the dirt and tell their side of the story. And Matt reveals he has met someone that is his "perfect match. (Read More)

From the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska... THE "LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Ways George W. Bush Can Improve His Approval Rating          As presented on the Wednesday, April 23 broadcast of the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN (Read More)

UPCOMING GUESTS ON "THE LATE LATE SHOW with CRAIG FERGUSON" ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK              May 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 12, 13 (Read More)

CBS's ONLINE STORE TO AUCTION CLOTHES AND ACCESSORIES WORN BY JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT ON THIS FRIDAY'S "GHOST WHISPERER" EPISODE           CBS's online store (http://www.cbsstore.com/) will auction clothes and accessories worn by Jennifer Love Hewitt in her role as Melinda Gordon on the Friday, April 25 episode of the hit series GHOST WHISPERER.  (Read More)

AN UNPRECEDENTED "CSI" AND "TWO AND A HALF MEN" WRITERS' CROSSOVER, CLIFFHANGER FINALES, THE CROWNING OF THE ULTIMATE "SURVIVOR," THE "ACADEMY OF COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS" AND "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" HIGHLIGHT CBS's MAY SWEEP          An unprecedented CSI and TWO AND A HALF MEN "writers' crossover," cliffhanger finales and the crowning of the Ultimate Survivor, are among the highlights of CBS's May sweeps. (Read More)

REO SPEEDWAGON PERFORMS LIVE ON "THE EARLY SHOW" FROM GREENSBURG, KANSAS          Legendary rockers REO Speedwagon are traveling to Greensburg, Kan., to perform a live concert on THE EARLY SHOW  on Friday, May 2  (Read More)

ADAM JASINSKI WINS "BIG BROTHER" AND THE GRAND PRIZE OF $500,000!!           After living in the BIG BROTHER house for 81 days, Adam Jasinski emerged triumphant last night as the BIG BROTHER Grand Prize winner of $500,000  (Read More)

BRITNEY SPEARS RETURNS TO "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER," MONDAY, MAY 12           Singer Britney Spears will return to HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER to guest star in an episode to be broadcast Monday, May 12.  (Read More)

CBS SPORTS DOCUMENTARY EXPLORES HOW THE AERIAL SHOT CHANGED TELEVISION COVERAGE OF GOLF          When it comes to television coverage, the best shot in golf belongs to the MetLife blimp. A new hour-long documentary airing Saturday, May 3, on CBS.   (Read More)

JUMA ENTERTAINMENT ON PAR FOR "RULES OF THE GAME II"           Juma Entertainment's RULES OF THE GAME 2, the interactive television quiz show highlighting the rules of golf, returns for a second installment on May 4, 2008 (2 p.m. EST) on CBS.  (Read More)

CBS's "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN" TO PRESENT "MAGICIAN WEEK," MAY 5 THROUGH MAY 9          The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN will dazzle viewers when it showcases some of the best magicians in entertainment during "Magician Week," Monday, May 5-Friday, May 9 on the CBS Television Network. (Read More)

From the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska... THE "LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Things Saddam Hussein Would Say if He Were Alive Today"           As presented on the Monday, April 28 broadcast of the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN (Read More)

QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN' APRIL 21– APRIL 25 (Read More)

 

NBC SPORTS TO BROADCAST 2008 U.S. OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP IN PRIMETIME

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          The best golfers in the world will appear on NBC in primetime as NBC Sports today announced the broadcast schedule for the 2008 U.S. Open Championship from Torrey Pines in San Diego, Calif. On Saturday June 14, NBC's third round coverage will air from 4-10 p.m. ET, with final round coverage on Father's Day Sunday from 3-9 p.m. ET. This is the first scheduled primetime broadcast in U.S. Open history (past Opens have concluded in primetime due to weather conditions).
            "What a great way to spend Father's Day weekend, with the best golfers in the world playing America's championship in primetime," said Dick Ebersol, Chairman, NBC Universal Sports & Olympics.
          Three of the next five U.S. Open Championships will take place on the West Coast. In addition to Torrey Pines, the Open will return to Pebble Beach (Calif.) in 2010 and in 2012 will be played at Olympic Club in San Francisco.
          NBC Sports will provide more than 16 hours of high definition U.S. Open coverage – the most extensive coverage provided for any golf event and the only one with network coverage of first- and second-round play.

         Thursday, June 12 3-5 p.m. ET
         Friday, June 13 3-5 p.m. ET
         Saturday, June 14 4-10 p.m. ET
         Sunday, June 15 3-9 p.m. ET

          Tiger Woods, scheduled to return in time for the Open from a knee injury, is looking for his third U.S. Open title and his 14th major championship overall. His archrival Phil Mickelson seeks his first U.S. Open title having finished second four times. Woods has won at Torrey Pines six times in his illustrious career.

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LISTINGS FOR 'LAST CALL WITH CARSON DALY'

Thursday, May 1 — 898 Maronzio Vance / Jenny McCarthy with musical guests Does It Offend You, Yeah?

Friday, May 2 — 889 Andrew Zimmern with musical guest Matt Costa

Monday, May 5 — 899 Bear Grylls with musical guests TBD

Tuesday, May 6 — 900 John Cho with musical guests Your Vegas

Wednesday, May 7 — 901 Miranda Kerr with musical guests TBD

Thursday, May 8 — 902 James Denton with musical guests The Heavy

Friday, May 9 — 890 Leelee Sobieski with musical guest Ben Harper

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NBC ANNOUNCES GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER AND OSCAR-NOMINATED ANGELA BASSETT WILL JOIN THE CAST OF 'ER' FOR 15TH AND FINAL SEASON

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          NBC announced that Golden Globe winner and Oscar nominee Angela Bassett will join the cast of NBC's long running show "ER" (Thursdays, 10-11 p.m. ET/PT) in early fall of next season as a tough-as-nails attending physician who is coming back to Chicago after doing tsunami relief work in Indonesia. Her arrival shakes up the ER but her strong exterior hides a troubled past that will slowly be revealed.
          "Angela is a wonderfully talented actress who I've long hoped to work with," said executive producer John Wells. "We couldn't be more delighted that she's agreed to join us."
          Bassett's talent as an actress and executive producer in both television and film have repeatedly earned her respect and acclaim from peers and fans alike, as she has proved herself to be one of the industry's premier leading ladies.
          Bassett could be last seen on the big screen as the leading role in Tyler Perry's "Meet the Browns." Previously, she starred opposite Laurence Fishburne in the critically acclaimed "Akeelah and the Bee" for Lions Gate Films. She also received rave reviews for her work in August Wilson's classic play "Fences" at the prestigious Pasadena Playhouse. Bassett recently wrapped Giancarlo Esposito's "Gospel Hill" and "Nothing But the Truth," starring Kate Beckinsale and David Schwimmer. She will also star as Voletta Wallace, mother of slain rapper, Christopher "Notorious B.I.G." Wallace in "Notorious," due out January 2009.
          Perhaps best known for her intense portrayal of Tina Turner in the biopic "What's Love Got to Do with It" opposite Fishburne, Bassett earned the Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Drama as well as an NAACP Image Award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Motion Picture. She also secured an Academy Award® nomination for her powerful performance.
          Bassett has also received NAACP Image Awards for her performance in "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" as well as her supporting roles in "The Score," "Music of the Heart" and "Malcolm X" (opposite Denzel Washington). She was recognized for her leading role in the television movie "Ruby's Bucket of Blood," for which she also received a Screen Actors Guild Award nomination, bringing her total number of Image Awards to nine. In addition, Basset received NAACP Image Award nominations for her work in the sci-fi feature blockbuster "Contact" and "Boesman and Lena," and an Emmy® nomination for Outstanding Actress in a Television Movie for her work in "The Rosa Parks Story."
          In addition to these awards and nominations, Basset has portrayed memorable roles in the features "Mr. 3000," "Sunshine State," "Waiting to Exhale," "Strange Days," "Vampire in Brooklyn" and "Supernova." Recently, Bassett could be heard in theaters across the country voicing the character of Mildred in Disney's animated smash hit "Meet the Robinsons," based on the successful children's book of the same name by William Joyce.
          NBC renewed "ER" for a 15th and final season in April. Combining the extraordinary talents of multiple award-winning producer John Wells ("The West Wing" "Third Watch"), best-selling author Michael Crichton ("Jurassic Park") and the creative team at Steven Spielberg's Amblin Television, the venerated series "ER" explores the inner workings of an urban teaching hospital and the critical issues faced by the dedicated physicians and staff of its overburdened emergency room. Currently in its 14th season, the highly acclaimed drama series now holds the distinction of being recognized as the most Emmy®-nominated series in the history of television with 120 nominations. Crichton and Wells serve as executive producers, along with Christopher Chulack, David Zabel, Joe Sachs and Janine Sherman Barrois.

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NBC AND FREMANTLEMEDIA NORTH AMERICA TEAM-UP WITH MYSPACE ON VIRTUAL AUDITION CITY EPISODE OF HIT SUMMER SERIES 'AMERICA'S GOT TALENT'
(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          For the first-time ever, NBC's hit summer series "America's Got Talent," from "American Idol" producers FremantleMedia North America and Simon Cowell's SYCO Television, will team up with MySpace, the world's most popular social network, on a virtual audition city episode as part of a nationwide search for the hottest performers in the country to compete in the blockbuster reality show's third season. The agreement was developed in part by FremantleMedia Enterprises, the brand extension arm of FremantleMedia.
          A Virtual "America's Got Talent" Audition City for MySpace users will go live Tuesday, April 29. Individuals can go to MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/americasgottalent) and upload video of their talents from Tuesday, April 29 - Monday, May 5. The shows producers will review submissions and the selected participants will be flown to Las Vegas to participate in an audition show. The Virtual Audition City episode will feature the selected MySpace acts. This show will be treated as any other audition city show and the acts will be eligible for the million dollar grand prize.
          With the talent search open to competition acts of all ages, "America's Got Talent," hosted by Jerry Springer and presided over by celebrity judges David Hasselhoff, Piers Morgan and Sharon Osbourne, has brought the variety format back to the forefront of American culture by showcasing performers from across the country. Each week, the show features a colorful array of hopeful stars, including singers, dancers, comedians, contortionists, impressionists, jugglers, magicians and ventriloquists, all vying for their chance to strut and perform on stage in the hopes they'll win the viewing audiences votes.
          "I think this is an incredible idea and it gives everyone an unprecedented opportunity through MySpace to showcase their amazing talents and have a shot at winning a million dollars and hopefully becoming a big star," said Simon Cowell.
          "This partnership allows us to not only promote 'America's Got Talent' to the MySpace audience, but also tap into the site's huge online talent base, who we might not have reached through the traditional audition process," said John Miller, Chief Marketing Officer, NBC Universal Television. "'America's Got Talent' is the summer's number one show because it showcases America's best and this partnership will allow us to continue to find the most talented people in America."
          "MySpace has always served as an online platform for our community to showcase their talent," said Josh Brooks, VP of Marketing and Content for MySpace. "Our partnership with 'America's Got Talent' is a natural extension of that platform into the television arena. We're thrilled to be able to offer this opportunity to our users and can't wait to see their personal videos – talented or not!"

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NBC NEWS EXCLUSIVE: MEREDITH VIEIRA SITS DOWN WITH SEN. BARACK OBAMA AND HIS WIFE MICHELLE OBAMA
(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          In an NBC News exclusive interview, Meredith Vieira will sit down with Sen. Barack Obama and his wife Michelle Obama in Indianapolis, IN. The interview will air Thursday, May 1st on "Today" as part of the "Today on the Trail" series. An excerpt from the interview will also air tonight on "NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams" and on MSNBC.

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TIM RUSSERT TO INTERVIEW DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BARACK OBAMA IN A 'MEET THE PRESS' EXCLUSIVE ON SUNDAY, MAY 4
(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          As Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) heads into next Tuesday's critical primaries in Indiana and North Carolina, he will sit down with NBC News' Tim Russert for an hour long exclusive interview on "Meet the Press" Sunday, May 4. The program will originate live from NBC affiliate WTHR-TV in Indianapolis, Ind. Senator Obama's last appearance on the program was on December 30, 2007 when the show originated live from Des Moines, Iowa.

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LISTINGS FOR 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN'

Thursday, May 1 – Show 2569 – Actress Sigourney Weaver, actor Darrell Hammond (NBC's "Saturday Night Live"), musical guest Was (Not Was)

Friday, May 2 – Show 2570 – Actor Matthew Broderick, actress Michelle Monaghan, NASA contestant Brian Turner

Monday, May 5 – Show 2571 – Actress Patricia Heaton, comedian Katt Williams, musical guest Thrice

Tuesday, May 6 – Show 2572 – Actor Jason Lee, musical guest Galactic

Wednesday, May 7 – Show 2573 – Actor Liam Neeson, actor BJ Novak, musical guest The Duke Spirit

Thursday, May 8 – Show 2574 – Actor Emile Hirsch

Friday, May 9 – Show 2575 – Actor Seth Meyers (NBC's "Saturday Night Live"), actress Sophia Bush, musical guest Tokio Hotel

Monday, May 12 – Show 2576 – Actor William Shatner, wine connoisseur Gary Vaynerchuk

Tuesday, May 13 – Show 2577 – Actor Steve Carell (NBC's "The Office"), actress Alyson Hannigan, musical guest Duffy

Wednesday, May 14 – Show 2578 – Actor Gene Hackman, musical guest The Black Keys

Thursday, May 15 – Show 2579 – Comedian Carlos Mencia, musical guest MGMT

Friday, May 16 – Show 2580 – Wrestler John Cena, musical guest Everest

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NICK LACHEY TO HOST DISNEY'S "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL: SUMMER SESSION"

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          Open Casting Calls on 4/27 in Long Beach, CA and 5/7 at Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL Actor, singer/songwriter Nick Lachey will host this summer's reality show, Disney's "High School Musical: Summer Session".
          Recently Lachey recorded the title song to the ABC telefilm "Oprah Winfrey Presents: Mitch Albom's For One More Day." He also took home top honors in the NBC special, "Clash of the Choirs," in which he led a choir of 17 Cincinnatians to the victorious title of America's Best Choir. He is currently serving as creator and executive producer of a new show based on the lives of students at his alma mater, The Cincinnati High School of Performing Arts. He also recently guest starred alongside Alicia Keys in the MTV micro-series, "Fresh Takes." His third solo album will be released later this year.
          The open casting calls for "High School Musical: Summer Session" start this Sunday, April 27 at Long Beach Arena in Long Beach, California, and continue on Wednesday, May 7 at Champion Stadium in Disney's Wide World of Sports Complex in Orlando, Florida. Both of these open auditions form part of the early episodes of the series. Anyone between the ages of 16 and 22 is welcome to give it a shot at the open calls (if you are under 18, you must bring your parent or legal guardian) and can download an application and view eligibility requirements at www.abc.com/hsmsummersession.
          The series debuts on ABC on Sunday, July 20 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET) and runs Sundays and Mondays (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET) for three weeks, then continues Mondays at 8:00 p.m., ET through mid-September. The producers welcome anyone and everyone ages 16-22 who has dreamed of being center stage -- the high school quarterback who's never tried out for a play but has a song in his heart, the drama club extrovert looking to break into the big time, someone looking to trade the chess club routine for a dance routine -- all are invited to try to "Get'cha head in the game," as the hit song says. The finalists will ultimately participate in a summer music program to hone their skills, and one talented newcomer will receive the opportunity of a lifetime, becoming a part of "High School Musical" history.

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ABC.COM TO HOST VIDEO BLOG WITH CAST OF "WOMEN'S MURDER CLUB"

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          Bestselling Author James Patterson to Answer Fans' Questions Beginning today, viewers can go to ABC.com to see their questions answered by the cast of "Women's Murder Club," including video responses from Angie Harmon, Paula Newsome, Aubrey Dollar, Laura Harris, Tyrees Allen and Rob Estes.
          Fans inundated ABC.com with their burning questions for the cast members on topics ranging from personal reflections on the show's storylines, sources of inspiration for the characters they portray, what a typical work day is like and whether or not there will be new or rekindled love interests that emerge in the show.
          In addition, participants can view responses from fan questions submitted to bestselling author James Patterson, including whether there will be an eighth book in the Women's Murder Club series and if there are plans for him to make a guest appearance on the show.

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IT'S AFHV'S 400th EPISODE, ON ABC'S "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS"  

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)           "Episode No. 1818" - "America's Funniest Home Videos," the longest-running primetime show in ABC history, celebrates another landmark, its 400th episode. Highlights include wedding mishaps, college kids making a homemade water slide and sliding through dorm halls, and a little girl who makes a big mess with chocolate powder. "America's Funniest Home Videos" airs SUNDAY, MAY 4 (7:00-8:00 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. Tom Bergeron hosts.
          "AFHV" joins a select club of primetime TV shows achieving this 400th-episode milestone, including such series as "The Simpsons," "Gunsmoke," "Lassie," "Death Valley Days," "Ozzie and Harriet" and "Bonanza."
          In its 18 seasons to date, "America's Funniest Home Videos" has given away over $10 million in prize money and evaluated more than half a million videotapes from home viewers. Viewers wishing to submit home videos to "America's Funniest Home Videos" should visit www.ABC.com for details.

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MASSIVE CROWD TURNS OUT FOR FIRST OPEN CASTING SESSION FOR "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL: SUMMER SESSION"

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          Next Casting Call Is May 7 at Champion Stadium In Disney's Wide World of Sports Complex in Orlando. Details Available at www.abc.com/hsmusicalsummersession.
          Despite triple-digit temperatures, a massive crowd of teens turned out Sunday (April 27) in Long Beach for the first open casting call for ABC's new summer reality series, Disney's "High School Musical: Summer Session" (working title). Teens from as far away as Wisconsin, Texas, Colorado, Utah and Washington were among the throngs who gathered for the open audition. Host Nick Lachey welcomed the crowd as they lined up in front of the Long Beach Arena.
          The next casting call will be held Wednesday, May 7 at Champion Stadium in Disney's Wide World of Sports Complex in Orlando, Florida. Both of these open auditions will form part of the early episodes of the series. Anyone between the ages of 16 and 22 is welcome to give it a shot at the open calls (if you are under 18, you must bring your parent of legal guardian) and can download an application and view eligibility requirements at abc.com/hsmsummersession.

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MATT FACES THE WOMEN HE REJECTED AND THE CLAWS COME OUT, AS FIFTEEN JILTED BACHELORETTES CONFRONT THE SEXY BRIT, ON "THE BACHELOR: LONDON CALLING -- THE WOMEN TELL ALL," MONDAY, MAY 5 ON ABC

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          "The Women Tell All" It's an explosive reunion viewers won't want to miss, as the most memorable bachelorettes from this season, including Ashlee, Carri, Marshana, Robin and Stacey, return to confront each other and Matt one last time on national television to dish the dirt and tell their side of the story. And Matt reveals he has met someone that is his "perfect match.
          Matt and some of the bachelorettes will be put on the hot seat for a revealing question and answer session with Chris Harrison. Emotions run to a fever pitch between these feisty women. She-e-e's b-a-a-c-c-k! Stacey, one of the wildest bachelorettes ever, brings Matt another pair of panties. Robin, one of the most disliked women in the house, is accused by the rest of the bachelorettes of not being there for love, but for the competition. Then Robin and Marshana dramatically face off. Marshana attacks Robin for her abrasiveness and being intentionally mean, and when Robin attempts to defend herself, she is dispatched with diva-like flair by Marshana. Marshana herself tries to explain the reason behind all the drama and why she felt she was disrespected by women in the house.
          And a devastated Amanda reveals that she thought she was the one Matt would choose in the end, and that their fairytale date in Barbados was just "the beginning of their story." She challenges Matt about why he never voiced any concerns about their relationship.
          It's the bachelorettes like you've never seen them before! The hour also includes a special sneak peek at the final episode. Who is the woman that Matt says he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with?

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  From the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska... THE "LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Ways George W. Bush Can Improve His Approval Rating 

          As presented on the Wednesday, April 23 broadcast of the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10.       Fewer embarrassing gaffes, more humiliating blunders. 

9.         Replace "Hail to the Chief" with Black Sabbath's "Iron Man."

8.         Send FEMA to rebuild Knicks.

7.         Change name to Barack W. Obusha.

6.         Show America you're not some stiff workaholic by blowing off work sometimes.

5.         Jump Snake River in rocket powered "Sky-Cycle."

4.         Become trapped in an elevator until January 20, 2009.

3.         Less of this. [rolls videotape of Bush dancing with jazz band]

2.         Ask father for tips on how he achieved his 31% approval rating.

1.         Hide Cheney's medication.

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UPCOMING GUESTS ON "THE LATE LATE SHOW with CRAIG FERGUSON" ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

 

Thursday, May 1                      Actress Sigourney Weaver; actor Eric Mabius; music by She & Him;

Friday, May 2                          Actress Helen Hunt; Actor Kal Penn

Monday, May 5                   Actor Hugh Laurie; author Michael Starr

Tuesday, May 6                       Actor John Goodman; music by Jason Aldean

Wednesday, May 7                  Actress Felicity Huffman; music by Mike Doughty

Thursday, May 8                 Actress Emily Deschanel;

Friday, May 9                      Actress Rachel Griffiths; Melvin Lardy of "Ax Men"

Monday, May 12                 Actor John Stamos; author Judith Smith-Levin; music by Jaymay

Tuesday, May 13                 Actor John Cusack; actress Paraminder Nagra

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CBS's ONLINE STORE TO AUCTION CLOTHES AND ACCESSORIES WORN BY JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT ON THIS FRIDAY'S "GHOST WHISPERER" EPISODE

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          CBS's online store (http://www.cbsstore.com/) will auction clothes and accessories worn by Jennifer Love Hewitt in her role as Melinda Gordon on the Friday, April 25 episode of the hit series GHOST WHISPERER.  The first-ever GHOST WHISPERER online wardrobe auction goes live on http://www.cbsstore.com/ on Friday, April 25, immediately after the show airs on the East Coast, and ends on Monday, May 5, at 9:00 PM, ET. The available items include: a black long chiffon top with a satin collar by Replica, a black tank by Cosabella, a black leather lace two-buckle wide belt by Willow, high-waisted dark denim jeans by Citizens of Humanity, black four-inch heel T-strap shoes by Frye, a black jacket by Max Studio and a gold necklace with amethyst stones.

          In addition to this Friday's auction, every week fans can find and shop the looks seen on GHOST WHISPERER and other CBS shows at www.seenoncbs.com. Popular items from recent GHOST WHISPERER episodes include: a Nanette Lepore silk dress seen on Melinda Gordon on the April 11 episode and a Diane von Furstenberg blouse seen on Melinda on the Dec. 14 episode. Fans can also purchase GHOST WHISPERER branded apparel, DVDs and glassware at http://www.cbsstore.com/.

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AN UNPRECEDENTED "CSI" AND "TWO AND A HALF MEN" WRITERS' CROSSOVER, CLIFFHANGER FINALES, THE CROWNING OF THE ULTIMATE "SURVIVOR," THE "ACADEMY OF COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS" AND "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" HIGHLIGHT CBS's MAY SWEEP

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          An unprecedented CSI and TWO AND A HALF MEN "writers' crossover," cliffhanger finales and the crowning of the Ultimate Survivor, are among the highlights of CBS's May sweeps. A CSI investigating a murder at Charlie Harper's house?  Grissom and the team investigating the mysterious death of a diva sitcom star?  It's all part of a first-ever  "writers' crossover," in which CSI's writers will pen an episode of TWO AND A HALF MEN and MEN's scribes will write an episode of CSI. The May 5 episode of TWO AND A HALF MEN is written by CSI writers Sarah Goldfinger and Evan Dunsky from a story by CSI executive producers Carol Mendelsohn and Naren Shankar.   The May 8 episode of CSI was written by Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn, executive producers/writers of TWO AND A HALF MEN. (See show highlights below for complete storylines.)

           Also in May, the winner of SURVIVOR: MICRONESIA - FANS VS. FAVORITES, will be crowned in a special two-hour broadcast followed by the live reunion show hosted by Jeff Probst; Drew Carey returns to host four new PRICE IS RIGHT MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR primetime specials; and Reba McEntire hosts the 43RD ANNUAL ACADEMY OF COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS.

          The following are CBS's May sweep season highlights and finales.

Friday, May 2                          GHOST WHISPERER-Melinda (Jennifer Love Hewitt) helps professor Payne (Jay Mohr) juggle an ex-girlfriend (Nikki Cox, Mohr's real-life wife), her 10-year-old son and the jealous ghost of his dead wife.

Friday, May 2                          NUMB3RS-A mass poisoning at a cult compound leads the FBI team into a maze of old grudges and a complex murder plot.  Bill Nye ("The Science Guy") returns in the recurring role of Professor Bill Waldie.

Sunday, May 4             COLD CASE-The team is dubious when a former drug addict insists she saw her son in a park three years after he allegedly died in an apartment fire. Emmy Award winner Bobby Cannavale ("Will & Grace") returns.  (Season Finale in a special time period).

Sunday, May 4             DEXTER-Dexter (Michael C. Hall) follows a dark and demented path laid out for him by the Ice Truck killer, eventually leading to their final confrontation. (Season Finale)

Monday, May 5                      TWO AND A HALF MEN-A CSI team investigates a mysterious death at Charlie's (Charlie Sheen) house.  The episode was written by CSI writers Sarah Goldfinger and Evan Dunsky from a story by CSI executive producers Carol Mendelsohn and Naren Shankar.  Robert Wagner ("Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me") and Jenny McCarthy ("Scary Movie") guest star.

Wednesday, May 7                  THE PRICE IS RIGHT MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR.  Drew Carey hosts.

Thursday, May 8                      CSI-Grissom (William Petersen) and the CSI team investigate the death of a diva sitcom star (Katey Sagal) who dies suddenly while her show is filming in Las Vegas.  Suspects include the entire writing staff, her loser husband and the actress who serves as her stand-in (Rachael Harris).  The episode was written by Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn, executive producers/writers of "Two and a Half Men."

Friday, May 9                          NUMB3RS-The FBI investigates the murder of a young rap star.  Academy Award-winning rap group Three 6 Mafia guest star.

Sunday, May 11                       SURVIVOR: MICRONESIA-FANS VS. FAVORITES The special two-hour finale begins with four remaining castaways vying for the $1 million prize and title of "Ultimate Survivor."  The finale is followed by a one-hour live reunion show hosted by Jeff Probst.

Monday, May 12                     CSI: MIAMI-Horatio (David Caruso) must face off with a private investigator who is systematically destroying the team.  Tom Sizemore ("Saving Private Ryan") guest stars as private investigator Kurt Rossi.

Wednesday, May 14                THE PRICE IS RIGHT MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR.  Drew Carey hosts.

Thursday, May 15                    CSI-Warrick (Gary Dourdan) is accused of murdering a famous Vegas gangster and even he is uncertain of his guilt or innocence.  (Season Finale)

Thursday, May 15                   WITHOUT A TRACE-Five people with an unusual connection are abducted together from a coffee shop and Sam (Poppy Montgomery) prepares for the birth of her baby.  (Season Finale)

Friday, May 16                        GHOST WHISPERER-Though putting her life in peril in the process, Melinda (Jennifer Love Hewitt) finally gets answers about her long-absent father and why her mother has hidden the truth about him for so many years.  Academy Award and Golden Globe nominee Anne Archer, Martin Donovan and Ignacio Serricchio return as Melinda's mother, father and step-brother. (Season Finale)

Friday, May 16                        MOONLIGHT-Mick (Alex O'Loughlin) and Beth (Sophia Myles) are faced with the ultimate consequences of a relationship between mortal and immortal when a vampire kills a human in the heat of passion.  With the murder investigation threatening to expose their identities, Mick and Josef (Jason Dohring) join forces with the vampires of Los Angeles to protect their secret lives. (Season Finale)

Friday, May 16                        NUMB3RS-Don (Rob Morrow) and Charlie (David Krumholtz) find themselves in conflict over their differing beliefs as they investigate a case involving national security, while Megan (Diane Farr) faces a crisis of conscience and leaves the team. (Season Finale)

Sunday, May 18                       43RD ANNUAL ACADEMY OF COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS-Reba McEntire returns for the 10th time as host of country music's biggest party which honors country music's top talent as well as the hottest emerging talent.  The special will be broadcast live from the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas.  Rodney Atkins, Dolly Parton, Sugarland, Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, Trace Adkins, Brooks & Dunn, Miranda Lambert and Montgomery Gentry are scheduled to perform.

Monday, May 19                     BIG BANG THEORY-(Season Finale) 

Monday, May 19                     HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER-(Season Finale)

Monday, May 19                     TWO AND A HALF MEN-Charlie (Charlie Sheen) finds himself attracted to an older woman who writes self-help books, while Alan (Jon Cryer) and Jake (Angus T. Jones) battle over a school assignment.  Susan Blakely ("Hungry Hearts") guest stars.

Monday, May 19                     RULES OF ENGAGEMENT- Jeff (Patrick Warburton) buys the old Camaro of his dreams and  Russell (David Spade) reluctantly agrees to host a photo shoot for Audrey's (Megyn Price) magazine at his apartment in the hopes of landing a date with a model.  Meanwhile, Adam (Oliver Hudson) and Jennifer (Bianca Kajlich) finally decide to set a wedding date.  (Season Finale)

Monday, May 19                     CSI: MIAMI- CSI: MIAMI-When someone is determined to take down the team, Horatio (David Caruso) puts his life on the line. (Season Finale)

Tuesday, May 20                     NCIS-The hunt for a killer has grave consequences for the team.  (Special Two-Hour Season Finale)

Tuesday, May 20                     SHARK -Sebastian (James Woods) races to save his daughter from escaped convict Wayne Callison (guest star Billy Campbell).  Campbell reprises his role as a convicted murderer who Sebastian put in last season.  (Season Finale)

Wednesday, May 21                THE PRICE IS RIGHT MILLION DOLLAR SPECTACULAR.  Drew Carey hosts.

Wednesday, May 21                CRIMINAL MINDS-The team faces one of its toughest cases, in which people who seem to have nothing in common are being killed at random. (Season Finale)

Wednesday, May 21                CSI: NY-Mac Taylor (Gary Sinise) enters his most dangerous crime scene ever: an active one.  When a heist goes bad and a bank manager is shot dead, a frantic gunman takes the entire bank hostage and demands a CSI  to prove his innocence.  (Season Finale)

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REO SPEEDWAGON PERFORMS LIVE ON "THE EARLY SHOW" FROM GREENSBURG, KANSAS

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          Legendary rockers REO Speedwagon are traveling to Greensburg, Kan., to perform a live concert on THE EARLY SHOW  on Friday, May 2 (7:00-9:00 AM/ET) on the CBS Television Network.  The concert concludes "Tragedy to Triumph:  Greensburg Rising," a special week-long series highlighting a community that banned together to build an ecologically and economically sustainable town after being annihilated by a tornado last year.  THE EARLY SHOW will broadcast live from Greensburg all week as the anchors and staffers head to the nation's heartland and roll up their sleeves to help residents in their quest to build an eco-friendly playground.

          During the concert, the band will perform some of their most popular songs including, "Can't Fight This Feeling," "Roll With The Changes," "Ridin' The Storm Out," and their current hit, "Find Your Own Way Home."

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ADAM JASINSKI WINS "BIG BROTHER" AND THE GRAND PRIZE OF $500,000!!

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          After living in the BIG BROTHER house for 81 days, Adam Jasinski emerged triumphant last night as the BIG BROTHER Grand Prize winner of $500,000 based on the votes of his former housemates on the jury.  Ryan Quicksall will receive $50,000 as the second place winner.

           Last night, Adam Jasinski, the 29-year-old public relations manager from Delray Beach, Fla. via Cherry Hill, N.J., faced a jury consisting of the last seven evicted Houseguests (listed in order of eviction): Matt, Chelsia, Joshuah, James, Natalie, Sharon and Sheila.  Jacob Heald, Parker Somerville, Jen Diturno, Amanda Hansen, Allison Nichols and Alex Coladonato were also present, but were not part of the jury.

          After each of the jury members had the chance to ask the finalists questions, the seven members of the jury voted live on-air for whom they wanted to win.  By a vote of 6-1, Jasinski became the grand-prize winner of $500,000.  James, Matt, Chelsia, Natalie, Sharon and Sheila voted for Jasinski.  Joshuah was the sole jury member who voted for Ryan Quicksall, the 27 year-old college student from Columbus, Ohio.  In addition, a viewer vote for their favorite jury member awarded "Crazy James" $25,000.

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BRITNEY SPEARS RETURNS TO "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER," MONDAY, MAY 12

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          Singer Britney Spears will return to HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER to guest star in an episode to be broadcast Monday, May 12 (8:30-9:00 PM, ET) on the CBS Television Network.  Production on the episode began April 28th.

           "We're all so thrilled to have Britney joining us once again.  And just to head it off at the pass this time around: Yes, Mom, Britney's very nice and no, I can't get her autograph for you," said Craig Thomas, executive producer and co-creator, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.

          When Barney and Abby realize that they have one thing in common - their mutual hatred of Ted - the "couple" decides to go to the bar to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face.  Desperate to get a rise out of his former pal, Barney pops a surprising question to Abby.

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CBS SPORTS DOCUMENTARY EXPLORES HOW THE AERIAL SHOT CHANGED TELEVISION COVERAGE OF GOLF

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          When it comes to television coverage, the best shot in golf belongs to the MetLife blimp. A new hour-long documentary airing Saturday, May 3, on CBS at 2:00 p.m. ET entitled: The Best Shot in Golf presented by MetLife, will summarize how the 1,500-foot aerial shot has become an essential part of how CBS Sports covers the PGA TOUR.

          Whether it's the rugged beauty of California's Pebble Beach and Torrey Pines, or the low-lying resorts at Hilton Head Island, South Carolina and Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, The Best Shot in Golf presented by MetLife, takes the viewer behind the scenes to show how dramatic shots are captured each week, as well as the exceptional demands on those involved -- allowing sports fans an inside look at the moving pieces that make up the live golf coverage.

          The Best Shot in Golf presented by MetLife, is an exciting journey that illustrates how the MetLife blimp, Snoopy One, provides a birds eye view that combines both the beauty of the courses with a unique above the ground view of the game. Produced by PGA TOUR Productions, the special demonstrates how the aerial camera captures distinct design features of each golf course and what players face on specific shots. It highlights the importance of this matchless perspective from the blimp and explains how the overall aerial broadcast of golf is created.

          The Best Shot in Golf presented by MetLife, will precede the Wachovia Championship on CBS Sports. Whether it is the nomadic journey of the 14-person MetLife Snoopy One crew, or the CBS broadcast team on the ground, it is a fascinating process. The blimp crew travels the country with the TOUR, facing the challenges of Mother Nature along the way.

          Once the tournament begins, focus shifts to CBS' television truck where the production team strategically works the blimp camera into the telecast. From the producer/director in the truck, to the pilot dodging wind pockets, to how dedicated cameraman Bob Mikkelson crafts his shots, The Best Shot in Golf presented by MetLife shows how television's largest camera platform delivers the view from above.

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JUMA ENTERTAINMENT ON PAR FOR "RULES OF THE GAME II"

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          Juma Entertainment's RULES OF THE GAME 2, the interactive television quiz show highlighting the rules of golf, returns for a second installment on May 4, 2008 (2 p.m. EST) on CBS Sports and CBSSPORTS.com.  RULES OF THE GAME 2 follows last year's hit RULES OF THE GAME, which aired August 17, 2007 and matched the ratings of its live golf lead-in on CBS Sports.

          Like its predecessor, RULES OF THE GAME 2 will be a one-hour special testing contestants' knowledge of the funny, surprising, and unexpected applications of the rules of golf in a fast-paced interactive quiz show format. The show, hosted by Bill Macatee, will combine memorable moments from PGA TOUR & USGA events, as well as re-enactments to test viewer knowledge.

          Once again, viewers will get to play along LIVE during the broadcast, testing on their golf knowledge by going online and answering questions throughout the show.  Those completing the quiz will be ranked according to the accuracy of their answers.

          "We are excited to again team with CBS for another edition of RULES. The new timeslot, adjacent to the network's highly rated Wachovia Championship coverage, should be great for exposing our fun and interactive format to more golf enthusiasts," said creator and JUMA President, Robert Horowitz.

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CBS's "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN" TO PRESENT "MAGICIAN WEEK," MAY 5 THROUGH MAY 9

(May 1st, 2008.  -  Editor)          The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN will dazzle viewers when it showcases some of the best magicians in entertainment during "Magician Week," Monday, May 5-Friday, May 9 on the CBS Television Network. 

            Starting things off will be world-renowned magician Lance Burton on Monday, May 5.  Comic magician Mac King performs on Tuesday, May 6, while illusionist Dirk Arthur takes the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater on Wednesday, May 7.  Steve Wyrick will wow the audience with his larger-than-life illusions on Thursday, May 8. Rounding out the week will be a performance from magic superstars Penn & Teller, who appear on the LATE SHOW Friday, May 9.

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From the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska... THE "LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Things Saddam Hussein Would Say if He Were Alive Today"

As presented on the Monday, April 28 broadcast of the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10.       "Let me guess - Bush still hasn't caught Osama."

9.         "Have I missed any big developments in beret technology?"

8.         "I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Star Jones is getting divorced."

7.         "It's nice to see a stable Iraq."

6.         "Free Wesley Snipes!"

5.         "Please tell me Meredith and McDreamy finally got together."

4.         No number 4 - writer hiding in spiderhole - still a reference, people.

3.         "Damn these rope burns - anyone got a turtleneck?"

2.         "I many have been a brutal dictator, but I kept gas prices under two dollars."

1.         "Compared to Fallujah, hell ain't too bad."

 

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QUOTABLES FROM NBC'S 'LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN' APRIL 21– APRIL 25

"This weekend, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. When asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, 'I've never seen so many women with my mom's haircut.'"

"Earlier tonight, President Bush made a special taped appearance on the game show "Deal or No Deal." Afterwards Bush said, 'I like this show because randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions, too.'"

"Pope Benedict finished off his visit to America yesterday with a mass at Yankee Stadium. After the mass ended, the Pope was traded to Cleveland for two outfielders and a designated hitter."

"Yesterday was April 20th, which has become the unofficial holiday honoring marijuana. It was supposed to be April 16th but they totally spaced."

"Paris Hilton has signed up to star in a new TV show about taking care of your pets. In the first episode, Paris shows her dog the proper way to hump someone's leg."

"Scientists say that they have simulated the voice of Neanderthal man, by using fossil evidence and a computer synthesizer. When they finally played the Neanderthal voice it said, 'Hello Wichita, you're on Larry King Live.'"

"A judge in Oklahoma who was sent to jail for masturbating in court may be released from prison early. When he heard this, the judge said, 'Hey, early release is what got me in trouble in the first place.'"

"This morning, Hillary Clinton said that she will stay in the presidential race even if she loses the Pennsylvania primary. She also said she will stay in the race even if she loses the nomination and November's election."

"The other day, Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. Bill Clinton visited several lesbian bars too, but he wasn't campaigning."

"Political experts say that Barack Obama is attracting mostly younger voters while Hillary Clinton is attracting much older voters. They may be right because today John McCain said he's voting for Hillary."

"Diane Sawyer is being criticized because a prostitute that she was interviewing for her program in disguise was recognized by her mother. The prostitute was also recognized by Charlie Sheen."

"A new study has found that more than half of college students have lied to their parents about how much sex they had on spring break. The other half actually had sex."

"The latest rumor in Hollywood is that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are planning their wedding. To include all their children, the ceremony will have 83 flower girls and 78 ring-bearers."

"First Lady Laura Bush was in New York yesterday promoting her new children's book, 'Read All About It,' which is about a boy who doesn't like to read. Then the boy grows up to become President of the United States."

"A new study has found that men who engage in regular masturbation are less likely to get prostate cancer. The down side to masturbation? There isn't one."

"In her victory speech last night, Hillary Clinton repeatedly used the words, "Fight," "Fighter" and "Fighting." Then Hillary said, 'But enough about my marriage.'"

"This week John McCain is on a tour of what he calls 'forgotten' places in America. Which at his age, means just about everywhere."

"Yesterday was Earth Day and politicians across the country marked the occasion. President Bush was photographed with a shovel and former President Clinton was photographed with a hoe."

"The New York Post reports that OJ Simpson wants to be a contestant on the next season of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' OJ might win too because this season the final competition is getting away with a double murder."

"A new study has found that men who engage in regular masturbation are less likely to get prostate cancer. So apparently the guy next to me on the subway this morning was a health nut."

"In California a female figure skater told police that someone slipped a roofie in her drink. She said she's not sure who did it but she is sure it wasn't a male figure skater."

"Star Jones and her husband Al Reynolds are getting divorced. Reynolds accused Star of infidelity after he caught her in bed with someone named Sara Lee."

"After the Pennsylvania primary Barack Obama has resigned himself to a prolonged and potentially ugly battle with Hillary Clinton. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Join the club.'"

"Barack Obama says he needs to attract older voters and that he's going to work hard to prove that he understands them. I think he means it, because today Barack ate dinner at 3 in the afternoon."

"It's been reported that President Bush was so impressed with Pope Benedict's recent visit that after he leaves office, Bush may convert to Catholicism. Bush said, 'I'd convert right now, but Dick Cheney freaks out if you get near him with a cross.'"

"Paris Hilton is getting a new reality show where she looks for a new best friend to replace Nicole Richie. So far, the front-runner to replace Nicole is a number two pencil."

"Yesterday, the official in charge of the 2010 US Census stepped down. When asked why, the head of the Census said, 'I want to spend more time with my 2.4 children.'"

"Yesterday, the fast food chain Arby's bought the fast food chain "Wendy's" for more than 2 billion dollars. The weird thing is, they picked it up at the drive-thru window."

"Two brothers from Illinois announced they have invented a car that gets 100 miles to the gallon. Oil company executives said they're very interested and they'd like to meet the brothers in an abandoned warehouse."

"Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected people who have been accused of using black magic to shrink men's penises. Actually, that would be 'white' magic."

"A plastic surgeon in California has published a children's book to explain why their mother got plastic surgery. The book is called 'Daddy Thinks Mommy is Ugly.'"

"Today at the White House, President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment during the ceremony when Bush said, 'This is a great day for all Malarians.'"

"Political experts are now saying that one reason Hillary Clinton defeated Barack Obama in Pennsylvania is because senior citizens prefer her. Senior citizens say they like Hillary because if you squint – she kind of looks like Blanche from 'The Golden Girls.'"

"A new study has found that young voters overwhelmingly prefer Barack Obama to Hillary Clinton. The same study found that Bill Clinton overwhelmingly prefers young voters to Hillary Clinton."

"President Bush says that the $300 rebate checks from the government will finally be mailed out on Monday. Then, Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas."

"After only 8 months of marriage, Gary Coleman's wife is filing for divorce because she says he has a bad temper and sometimes gets violent. Coleman's wife says: 'I'm tired of living in fear of what he'll do to my ankles.'"

"The owner of Arby's fast food chain is buying the Wendy's fast food chain. Folks, that means we're just a few months away from being able to enjoy a roast beef frosty."

"A member of the paparazzi wants to sue Paris Hilton for running over his foot. After hearing about it, Paris said, 'Gee, I've never made that part of a guy's body sore before.'"

"Kirstie Alley says the hardest part about losing weight is finding time to work out. Kirstie says the second hardest part is finding a gym with an all-you-can-eat buffet."

"Police in the Congo have arrested 13 witch doctors and accused them of shrinking other men's penises. I don't about you guys but I've been using the Congolese witch doctor excuse for years."

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