PAULA
ABDUL WILL NOT RETURN AS A JUDGE ON “AMERICAN IDOL”
Los
Angeles, Ca., August 5th, 2009.
Paula
Abdul
officially announced via Twitter that
she is no longer going to be a judge on the popular reality series.
Her full statement, delivered 140 characters at a time, is as follows:
With
sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to Idol. I’ll miss
nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show
that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon. What I
want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and
enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been
breathtaking, especially over the past month. I do without any doubt
have the BEST fans in the entire world and I love you all.
FOX,
FremantleMedia North America
and
19 Entertainment released a statement saying "Paula Abdul has been an important
part of the American Idol family over the last eight seasons and we
are saddened that she has decided not to return to the show. While
Paula will not be continuing with us, she's a tremendous talent and we
wish her the best."
Paula's
personal representative had no statement at this time.
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Vote
For The Best Villain In Smallville!
Los Angeles, Ca.,
August 5th, 2009.
Leading sci-fi website, Totalscifionline.com
has teamed up with Smallville Magazine to find out who is the best
villain in Smallville. We want to know the diabolical masterminds who
have sent a shiver down your spine and set your heart pounding and
the evil geniuses who make it seem good to be bad.
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KARA
DIOGUARDI TO RETURN AS JUDGE ON “AMERICAN IDOL”
Los
Angeles, Ca., August 3rd, 2009.
FOX, 19 Entertainment and FremantleMedia announced today that
Grammy-nominated songwriter Kara DioGuardi will return as a judge on
the ninth season of AMERICAN IDOL, premiering January 2010 on FOX.
DioGuardi will continue to use her background as an award-winning
songwriter and producer to critique and nurture the contestants
throughout the competition.
“We
are so happy to welcome back Kara for her second season with IDOL,”
said Simon Fuller, Creator/Executive Producer, AMERICAN IDOL. “She
is a breath of fresh air, and her passion for music and her
understanding of talent is invaluable. This show is all about
discovering new talent, and Kara’s championing of Adam Lambert is
proof positive of her great instinct.”
“Kara
brings her own special style and sensibility to the show, which
includes her innate talent to identify, nurture and direct a
performer’s potential,” said Cecile Frot-Coutaz, Executive
Producer, AMERICAN IDOL. “We’re very pleased with her
contributions as the fourth judge on the panel.”
"Kara’s
spitfire personality and sharp musical sensibility infused AMERICAN
IDOL with a new energy last year,” said Mike Darnell, President
of Alternative Entertainment, Fox Broadcasting Company. “She clearly
has a keen eye for talent – spotting Adam Lambert’s superstar
quality early on last season – and her performance on the
Season Eight finale was one of the most memorable in recent IDOL
history.”
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EMMY
NOMINEE AMY POEHLER TO GUEST-STAR IN FIRST TWO EPISODES OF NBC'S NEW
'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: WEEKEND UPDATE THURSDAY' ON SEPT. 17 AND 24
Universal City, Ca.,
July 30th, 2009.
NBC announced that two-time Emmy Award nominee Amy Poehler -
star of NBC's returning comedy "Parks and Recreation" - will
guest-star on the first two editions of the new fall series
"Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update Thursday" for its
premiere on Thursday, September 17 (8-8:30 p.m. ET) as well as on
Thursday, September 24 (8-8:30 p.m. ET).
Poehler - who earlier this month scored her second consecutive Emmy
nomination for her performance on "Saturday Night Live" -
will reunite with "Saturday Night Live" star Seth Meyers
behind the anchor desk that they shared on "SNL." The
second-season debut of Poehler's "Parks and Recreation" also
will follow that night from 8:30-9 p.m. (ET).
NBC will feature six new episodes of "Saturday Night Live:
Weekend Update Thursday" skewering today's top stories in live
half-hour primetime shows, anchored by the show's signature
"Weekend Update" - and the first three will air to start the
new fall season. Multiple Emmy winner Lorne Michaels ("Saturday
Night Live") is the executive producer.
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LAUREN
CONRAD AND KIM KARDASHIAN TO APPEAR AS GUEST JUDGES DURING CYCLE 13 OF
“AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL,” PREMIERING WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 ON
THE CW
AMERICA’S
NEXT TOP MODEL
welcomes guest judges from the fashion community during cycle 13’s
search for America’s Next Petite Model, premiering Wednesday,
September 9 from 8:00-10:00 p.m. on The CW. For the first
time ever, the show features a crop of fourteen girls with one thing
in common: they are all 5′7″ and under, well below the
industry standard.
The
guest judges include:
CHANEL
IMAN
one of the world’s most in-demand models, having walked in runway
shows for Dolce & Gabana and Valentino. Episode airs
September 9.
LAUREN
CONRAD
is a television personality best known for “The Hills,” and debuts
the LC - Lauren Conrad fashion line this fall. Episode airs
September 16.
JAIME
RISHAR
is a famous petite model (5′7 “), having appeared on the cover
of Italian, German and Australian Vogue, in addition to walking in
fashion shows for designers such as John Galliano and Dolce &
Gabana. Episode airs September 23.
CHINA
CHOW
is an actress and model for such designers as Tommy Hilfiger and
Calvin Klein. Episode
airs September 30.
JOSIE
MARAN
is a famous petite model (5′7″) who has appeared on the
cover of Glamour and was featured as the Guess Girl in a summer/fall
1998 campaign. She is most recognizable as the face of Maybelline
Cosmetics. Episode airs October 7.
JESSICA
WHITE
has been the face of CoverGirl, Chloe and Gap, in addition to walking
the runway for Ralph Lauren, Oscar de la Renta and Marc Jacobs. White
recently signed a contract with Maybelline Cosmetics. Episode
airs October 14.
KIM
KARDASHIAN
is a television personality who started her career as a fashion
stylist. With her sisters, she opened a designer clothing store, DASH,
in Los Angeles and Miami. She also has an online shoe company and will
soon launch her own fragrance. 90210’s
JESSICA
LOWNDES
also appears in the episode to test the girls’ interviewing skills. Episode
airs October 21.
KIRSTY
HUME
has walked the catwalk for Christina Dior, Marc Jacobs, Donna Karan
and Louis Vuitton among others, while modeling for campaigns including
Chanel, Versace and Gucci. Episode
airs October 28.
MARISA
MILLER
is a Victoria’s Secret Angel, has worked on such campaigns at Tommy
Hilfiger and has appeared in the pages of Vogue, Elle, Vanity Fair,
and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue from 2002-2008. Episode
airs November 4.
ANN
SHOKET
is the editor-in-chief of Seventeen Magazine. The winner of cycle 13,
as in previous cycles, will appear in a six-page spread and on the
cover of Seventeen Magazine. Episode airs November 11.
The
winner of Cycle 13 will receive a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl
Cosmetics, a contract with Wilhelmina Models and a cover and six-page
spread in Seventeen Magazine.
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CBS
SAYS "LET'S MAKE A DEAL"
Los
Angeles, Ca., August 3rd,
2009.
LET'S MAKE
A DEAL, a new take on the classic game show where audience members
dress in outlandish costumes to win cash and prizes by making deals
with the host, will premiere Monday, Oct. 5, (check local listings) on
the CBS Television Network. Emmy Award-winner Wayne Brady will
host the new one-hour daytime series produced by FremantleMedia North
America ("American Idol," "The Price is Right").
The
original LET'S MAKE A DEAL was a television game show staple during
the 1960s and 70s when it was hosted by Monty Hall from 1963-1977.
While later versions aired in syndication and primetime, the game show
is best remembered for the years hosted by Hall, who will serve as a
creative consultant on this latest version.
"I
am honored and ready to go; it is not every day that you get to be a
part of a franchise like LET'S MAKE A DEAL," said Wayne Brady. "I
think it is a perfect fit."
"We
are delighted to have LET'S MAKE A DEAL back on the air with
CBS," said Monty Hall. "I know the audience is going
to welcome the charming and engaging Wayne Brady as the new
host."
"Wayne
Brady is a unique talent whose extraordinary skills in both hosting
and improvisation make him the perfect choice to host this legendary
and engaging show. We are thrilled to be adding him and LET'S MAKE A
DEAL to the number one Daytime lineup," says Barbara Bloom Senior
Vice President, Daytime Programs, CBS. "We're also very
lucky to have Monty Hall as our creative consultant, bringing with him
a knowledge of game shows that will prove invaluable as we present
this classic game show to a whole new audience."
"We're
very pleased to bring this franchise back to American audiences,"
says Cecile Frot-Coutaz, CEO of FremantleMedia North America.
"A global brand with a proven track record, LET'S MAKE A DEAL is
a game show that delivers the kind of upbeat, unpredictable and
aspirational fun viewers are looking for. With the
multi-talented Wayne Brady as our host, the one and only Monty Hall at
our side and a great network timeslot, we're confident this new
version will provide the entertainment value that has made this brand
resonate around the world for decades."
LET'S
MAKE A DEAL becomes the second game show on CBS's top-rated Daytime
lineup, joining "The Price is Right," hosted by Drew Carey,
which is the #2 ranked series on Daytime television.
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BLIP.TV
ANNOUNCES EXPANDED DISTRIBUTION NETWORK, INCLUDING YOUTUBE, VIMEO, NBC
LOCAL MEDIA NEW YORK AND ROKU
New York, N.Y., July 28th, 2009.
Online media company blip.tv
today announced expanded distribution capabilities, new partnerships
to monetize and track advertising and viewership across its
distribution network, and a completely redesigned show creator
dashboard. Show creators using blip.tv can now reach viewers across
the Web and on the TV set with a single upload.
The blip.tv distribution network grows significantly today with the
addition of new partnerships with YouTube, Vimeo, NBC Local Media New
York and Roku, Inc., makers of the Roku digital video player. The new
partnership with YouTube enables show creators to send episodes
directly from blip.tv to their YouTube account. Blip.tv can traffic
advertisements on shows syndicated to YouTube, with a revenue share
back to content creators.
"Our mission is to provide services of scale to the most talented
independent show creators. The services we offer, which range from
distribution and business development to technology and ad sales, are
essential tools for any independent show creator,” said Mike Hudack,
co-founder and CEO of blip.tv. "We believe that we're building
the next-generation television network. This is what a TV network
looks like when it's created in 2005 instead of 1945.”
Blip.tv's new relationship with Roku enables owners of the company's
digital video player to watch blip.tv shows on their television set.
The blip.tv channel will be available later this fall for Roku
customers. "We're excited to see blip.tv bring the best shows the
Web has to offer directly to the television via the Roku player,”
said Jim Funk, vice president of business development for Roku.
"This is an exciting addition to the Roku platform and a major
step forward in bringing Internet content to the television where it
can be enjoyed with friends and family.”
A new deal with WNBC means blip.tv shows will air on NBC's NY Nonstop
broadcast channel in New York City. "It's helpful to us that
blip.tv manages relationships with so many of the best original show
producers on the Web,” said NBC Local Media New York VP of Content
and Audience Development Vickie Burns. "NBC Local Media New York
is excited about the opportunity to broadcast blip.tv content on our
new digital TV channel, New York NonStop. It's a unique opportunity to
provide independent producers unparalleled access to a distinct
television platform and audience.”
In addition to the new distribution partnerships announced today,
blip.tv already distributes to iTunes, AOL Video, MSN Video, Blinkx,
Facebook, Twitter, Sony Bravia televisions with Bravia Internet Video
Link, TiVo, Verizon FiOS Video On Demand, iPhones and the Internet
Archive. Blip.tv's partnership with TiVo expands today, as show
creators can now syndicate shows to the pioneering DVR service with
just one click on the blip.tv dashboard.
Using the new dashboard, creators can batch edit and reorder show
episodes, reply to comments and friend requests from different Web
sites directly from the dashboard, track video and advertising views
and see, in near real-time, how much revenue their shows generate
across every distribution channel in the blip.tv network.
Through a partnership with TubeMogul, the new dashboard enables show
creators to track viewership of their shows second by second. The
ability to detect exactly if and when they lose viewers during their
shows allows creators to engage in a program of constant improvement,
leading to longer engagement with each video.
"We're excited that TubeMogul InPlay audience and engagement data
will be available to blip.tv show creators within the blip.tv
dashboard,” said Brett Wilson, TubeMogul CEO. "This is an
important step towards bringing objective measurability to the
creative process while maintaining the art of Web show creation.”
A new deal with FreeWheel allows blip.tv to not only seamlessly serve
advertising across nearly its entire distribution network, but also to
easily and optimally enable its distribution partners to participate
in monetizing content. Advertising is optional for blip.tv shows, and
all advertising revenue is shared 50/50 with content creators.
"Blip.tv has led the way in building a platform that reflects the
syndicated reality of Web video,” said Doug Knopper, co-CEO of
FreeWheel. "We built FreeWheel for businesses like blip's, and
we're thrilled to be working together.”
The new dashboard is being made immediately available to a group of
one hundred top show creators. Additional show creators will be given
access to the new dashboard over the course of the next several
months.
Shows hosted and distributed on blip.tv currently reach more than 22
million viewers, totaling more than 72mm video views per month. The
expansion of blip.tv's distribution network is expected to
significantly increase those numbers.
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CBS's
"THE LATE LATE SHOW with CRAIG FERGUSON," TO BROADCAST IN HD
STARTING MONDAY, AUG. 31
Los,
Angeles, Ca., August 3rd.
Starting on Monday, Aug. 31, CBS will begin broadcasting THE
LATE LATE SHOW with CRAIG FERGUSON in high definition. That
evening will also mark the debut of a new show opener, featuring Craig
Ferguson in several iconic Los Angeles locations, scored to an updated
version of the current show theme song. THE LATE LATE SHOW with
CRAIG FERGUSON airs weeknights (12:37-1:37 AM, ET/PT) following
broadcasts of the "Late Show with David Letterman" on CBS.
THE LATE LATE SHOW is executive produced by Peter Lassally.
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'THE
TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN' LISTINGS
Thursday, August 6: Jonas Brothers, Ed
Helms and musical guest Jonas Brothers
Friday, August 7: Eric Bana, Mary Lynn Rajskub and musical guest Flo
Rida
Monday, August 10: Kyra Sedgwick, Hugh Dancy and musical guest Lyle
Lovett
Tuesday, August 11: Jon Hamm, Freestyle Motorcross Athletes and
musical guest Cobra Starship with Estelle
Wednesday, August 12: Gordon Ramsay, BJ Novak and Willard Wigan
Thursday, August 13: Robin Williams, Piers Morgan
Friday, August 14: Demitri Martin
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UPCOMING
GUESTS ON THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN"
Thursday,
Aug. 6 Actor
Ray Romano; musical guests St. Vincent
Friday,
Aug. 7 Actor
Joaquin Phoenix; Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model Bar
Rafaelli; musical guest Anthony Hamilton
Monday,
Aug. 10
Reality television star Paris Hilton; jockey Calvin Borel; comedian
Steven Wright
Tuesday,
Aug. 11 Reality
television show judge/musician Paula Abdul; musical guest Elvis
Costello; a Top Ten List presented by Neil Patrick Harris, star of the
CBS comedy series "How I Met Your Mother"
Wednesday,
Aug. 12 Actor
Sacha Baron Cohen; actor Joel McHale
Thursday,
Aug. 13
Musical guest Paul McCartney; a Top Ten List presented by actor Bruce
Willis
Friday,
Aug. 14
Summer Toy Demo; former Supreme Court Justice/author Sandra Day
O'Connor; musical guests MSTRKRFT with John Legend; a Top Ten List
presented by U.S. Open golf champion Lucas Glover
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ON ABC'S
JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
August
6
1. Actress Sienna Miller ("G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra") 2.
Dave Salmoni ("Into the Pride") 3. Stand-up comedian
Doug Benson
August 7
1. Director Quentin Tarantino ("Inglourious Basterds") 2.
Actress Rachel Nichols ("G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra")
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LISTINGS
FOR 'LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON'
Thursday,
August 6 - Show 0094 - Guests include Jeremy Piven, Charlyne Yi, and
Greg Giraldo
Friday, August 7 - Show 0095 - Guests include Paul Giamatti, Ken Jeong,
and musical guest Julian Plenti
Monday, August 10 - Show 0096 - Guests include Eric Bana, Jordana
Spiro, and musical guest Fall Out Boy
Tuesday, August 11 - Show 0097 - Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Triple
H, and musical guest Bat For Lashes
Wednesday, August 12 - Show 0098 - Guests include Jon Hamm, Hugh Dancy,
and musical guest Kitty Daisy & Lewis
Thursday, August 13 - Show 0099 - Guests include Seth Green, Tim Gunn,
and musical guest Avenue Q
Friday, August 14 - Show 0100 - Guests include January Jones and Neal
Brennan
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UPCOMING
GUESTS ON "THE LATE LATE SHOW with CRAIG FERGUSON"
Thursday,
August 6
Actress Zooey Deschanel;
music by Glasvegas
Friday,
August 7
Comedian Don Rickles; music by Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
Monday,
August 10
Comedian Carrot Top; actress Alexis Bledel
Tuesday,
August 11
Author Mitch Albom; performance by Bonnie Raitt & Taj Mahal
Wednesday,
August 12
Actor Eric Bana; music by Holly Williams
Thursday,
August 13
Actor Jon Cryer from the CBS comedy series "Two and a Half
Men"
Friday,
August 14
Singer Liza Minnelli; Egyptologist Dr. Kara Cooney
Monday,
August 17
Actress Rashida Jones; Chef Jose Andres; comedian Jim Breuer
Tuesday,
August 18
Actor Kevin Bacon; former football player Michael Irvin
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QUOTABLES
FROM 'LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON' July 27 - July 31, 2009.
"Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as
governor of Alaska. It was a fiery speech. She was mad. She blasted
the media, Hollywood, two bears, and a moose."
"Did you see this? The White House Press Secretary - Robert Gibbs
said that Twitter is now blocked on every White house computer. Gibbs
refused to give a specific reason-- Okay it's Biden."
"Hugh Hefner's ex-girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson is writing a
memoir. It's about her rise to fame. The memoir was delayed six months
because her spell-check kept over-heating."
"Beginning next month -American Airlines will charge $20 for
passengers' first checked bag and $30 for the second bag. I miss the
old days, when they'd just lose your bags for free."
"You've all heard this Henry Louis Gates story? Gates was
arrested while trying to get into his own home. So to smooth things
over, President Obama has invited Gates and the cop, Sergeant Crowley,
to the White House for a beer. How cool is that? Obama is handling
this situation like two of his bros got in a fight over a girl or
something. They'll come over, one beer will lead to two, two will lead
to nine...next thing you know everyone will forget they were ever mad
at each other...they'll start doing Jaeger shots out of Betsy Ross's
thimble. They'll make prank phone calls on the Red Phone. Someone will
be like, "Let's TP the capitol building." Crowley'll pass
out, they'll put his hand in warm water and giggle. Then they'll all
wake up with matching Robert Pattinson tattoos. Such a great
idea!"
"Police in Connecticut have broken up a huge illegal "bird
fighting" operation. You know, there is a legal way to see a bird
fight. It's called dropping a french fry on the sidewalk."
"The Octomom is back in the news. - she signed a $250,000 deal
for her 14 kids to star in a reality show. Here's how it works - at
the end of each episode, the Octomom says: Baby number six… you
played really hard, we've all grown close to you… (sniffle) BUT THE
LITTER HAS SPOKEN. Please leave the crib.""
"Animal control in New Jersey used pepper spray on an
"aggressive groundhog" that chased a man into his garage and
tried to get in his truck. You know what that means… six more weeks
of having to hear that guy's story about the groundhog who chased him
in his garage and tried to get in his truck."
"And finally- China now has more Internet users than any other
country in the world, 338 million. The most popular website in China?
2 Girls, 1 Wok."
"President Obama invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and
Sergeant James Crowley to the White House for a beer this Thursday.
It's all part of Obama's new approach to diplomacy, "how would
they handle this on Cheers?"
"MTV is showing a new documentary tonight called "Paris, Not
France" – it's an in-depth look at Paris Hilton's life. It's
the first documentary to be shot entirely in Night-Vision."
"Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has instructed security
guards to keep his ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson from coming on to his
property. It wasn't that hard. They just put a "push" sign
on a door you have to "pull.""
"American Idol auditions are just two weeks away and Paula Abdul
has not signed a contract yet. The show's producers say they don't
understand what Paula wants. No, they literally can't understand
her… "I wrnt mrow mnornyyyy ffllgg shgg mortourena.""
"Michael Vick was re-instated by the NFL yesterday. No team has
offered him a contract yet, but he's hoping somebody throws him a
bone."
"He has a new leash on life."
"It's going to be rough-rough."
"There's a new iPhone app called "Passion." The iPhone
rates users on how good they are at sex. This is how it works: if you
have your iPhone out during sex – you're "not good" at it.
"Penn State University was rated the best party school of 2009 by
The Princeton Review. And once again the award for worst party school
went to North Korea Tech. Coming in second, The Amish School of Plow
Repair."
"Former Governor Sarah Palin is rumored to be interested in a new
career as a talk radio host. It's a four hour radio show, but she
plans to walk away after just two."
"Of course, you have to remember, "radio host" is now
the most powerful position in the Republican party."
"Here in New York City, the transit authority announced they were
eliminating 360 jobs - most of them subway and station cleaners.
Because if there's one thing you're always saying in a subway station,
it's "this place is too clean.""
"A new study shows that using tanning beds before the age of 30
can lead to a 75 percent increase in the risk of skin cancer. As well
as a 90 percent chance of ending up on Real Housewife from New
Jersey."
"Bryce Dallas Howard has been cast in the third Twilight movie..
She'll be playing the girl who's blocking your view of Robert
Pattinson."
"Finally, tomorrow President Obama has his big beer summit with
Professor Henry Louis Gates and Sergeant James Crowley. Yeah, that's a
great idea. In my experience, the best way to settle an argument
between guys from Boston – just add alcohol."
"Well President Obama held his first "beer summit" at
the White House today. Obama wanted Bud Light, Crowley wanted Blue
Moon, Gates wanted a Red Stripe. And Joe Biden wanted whatever fits in
his beer helmet."
"The "beer summit" was good - but we all know the best
stuff goes down at the "after-summit.""
"Obama wants to make this a regular thing…. he's already
invited Ahmedinijad over for Appletinis."
"At his court hearing this morning, the New York Giant's
wide-receiver Plaxico Burress expressed "remorse" for
"shooting himself" in the leg. He said he was just trying to
send a message to his other leg."
"A couple in Boston accidentally left their 5-year-old son in the
back of a taxi after it dropped them off. There is some good news,
though. The kid won 500 bucks on Cash Cab."
"A couple in Boston accidentally left their 5-year-old son in the
back of a taxi after it dropped them off. There is some good news,
though. The kid won 500 bucks on Cash Cab."
"This week Disney warned the police about a 53-year-old man who
is obsessed with Miley Cyrus and claim she is sending him "secret
messages" through the TV. Come on, that is ridiculous. I am not
53. Right, Miley"
"Michael Phelps set another world record yesterday in the
200-meter butterfly. Amazing especially considering he spent the first
40 seconds of the race listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of
the Moon.""
"Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden held a series of closed-door
meetings. Not because they were secret, he just couldn't figure out
how to open a door."
"The New York Times reported today that both Manny Ramirez and
David Ortiz tested positive for "Performance Enhancing
Drugs" before the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004. People
starting getting suspicious in Game 3, when Ortiz bunted a
triple."
"I'm pretty excited tonight is the season premiere of "The
Real Housewives of Atlanta." It's a bid deal. And just to get in
the mood, last night I flipped my TV over."
"You gotta' love "The Real Houewives of Atlanta" - all
the trashiness of New Jersey with none of the smell."
"Right here on Broadway – Dolly Parton's musical "9 to
5" is already closing because of poor ticket sales. Yeah, it was
a huge bust."
"And finally, I just heard that Kevin Federline will star in a
weight-loss reality show. I think that'll work - I mean if there's one
thing people can get into - it's seeing less and less of Kevin
Federline."
"I read online this morning that President Obama's approval
rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48%. Or, as George Bush calls
it: "Kickin' ass.""
"48%? Obama should've listened to my high school principal:
"Drinking beer won't make people like you, Jimmy.""
"President Obama said today that Congress probably won't vote on
his health care bill until October. What's the rush, Congress? Take
your time. It's not like there's some crazy flu epidemic out there.
(Swine) "
"Yesterday Nancy Pelosi accused insurance companies of
deliberately trying to kill the health care bill. She was so angry she
started arranging her face into a scowl."
"Well I just heard that Kara Dioguardi's deal is set and she will
return next season to American Idol. Meanwhile, Paula Abdul has signed
her deal to appear on the next season of Intervention."
"President Obama is awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to
Stephen Hawking. Not for his work in physics… just for being the
voice that inspired Kanye West."
"Scientists at a University in Britain claim to have discovered a
new "state of matter" – that they've never seen before -
it's a huge story in England – Wait! False alarm - it was just
toothpaste. Sorry! That's all it was."
"Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens has a new breakfast
cereal named after him – "T.O.'s Honey Toasted Oats." If
you look closely, every box says "Best before 2004.""
"A man in Florida was arrested after he attacked his roommate
with a coconut, a porcelain bowl, and a wooden carving. The man was
charged with assault, and shoplifting from Pier One."
"The San Diego Zoo announced that it's 17-year-old Panda Bear
Bai-Yun, who is already a mother of four, is now expecting twins.
Slut."
"And finally, a tow-truck driver in upstate New York drove into a
swimming pool because he was texting on one phone - while talking on
another phone. Police said the text he was sending just said,
"Cannon baaaaaal.""
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THE
"LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Signs You're Staying at a Bad
Resort"
As
presented on the Friday, July 31 broadcast.
10.
Concierge hands you keys and says, "Ah, room 312...let me see if
the coroner is finished."
9.
Fire escapes are not clearly marked and often barricaded.
8.
You're staying in the "Idi Amin Suite."
7.
Phone in your room has only three numbers.
6.
Only water view is the toilet overflowing.
5.
Happy Hour is between 5 A.M. and 5:30 A.M.
4.
They offer lessons in golf, tennis and jihad - wow, that's a bad
resort.
3.
From the beach, you see sun, birds and the U.S.S. Harry Truman
pointing its .50 caliber machine guns at you.
2.
Pay-per-view movies are all videos of you sleeping.
1.
Appearing all week in the main showroom - Regis.
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**************************************************************************************************************
THE
"LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Things Overheard at the White
House Beer Summit"
As
presented on the Thursday, July 30 broadcast.
10.
"Don't worry, Biden will clean up the empties."
9.
"Guys, stop me if I try to drunk dial Nancy Pelosi."
8.
"Smoking, drinking. Suddenly our President is Artie
Lange."
7.
"Let's call Limbaugh and take this party to the next level."
6.
"I feel dizzy and confused - just like Bush! Hi-yoo!"
5.
"I don't want to freak anybody out, but I just saw Nixon walking
down the hall."
4.
"Tell Geithner to put his shirt on."
3.
"Senator Larry Craig asked if he could have his beer brought to
the men's room." (Still a reference, people)
2.
"You guys wanna see where Clinton used to get freaky?"
1.
"Excuse me while I take a Presidential leak."
(Back To Top)
