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Headlines & Links For Thursday, October 8th, 2009.

Flashpoint

Three Rivers

CBS ORDERS ANOTHER CYCLE OF "FLASHPOINT" (Read More)

CBS AND ITS NEW MEDICAL SERIES "THREE RIVERS" PARTNER WITH DONATE LIFE AMERICA (Read More)

“IDOL GIVES BACK” RETURNS AS PART OF “AMERICAN IDOL” RESULTS SHOW WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, ON FOX       (Read More)

NBC JOINS DREAMWORKS ANIMATION TO AIR TWO ALL-NEW FAMILY-FRIENDLY HOLIDAY SPECIALS BASED ON BLOCKBUSTER ANIMATED FILMS, 'MONSTERS VS. ALIENS' AND 'MADAGASCAR'       (Read More)

JENNIFER HUDSON: I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS," COMING THIS DECEMBER TO ABC       (Read More)

NBC.COM GIVES VIEWERS A CHANCE TO STREAM NBC'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE' IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE BROADCAST       (Read More)

QUOTABLES FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WEEKEND UPDATE THURSDAY' WITH SETH MEYERS ... OCTOBER 1, 2009       (Read More)

QUOTABLES FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS" OCTOBER 3, 2009       (Read More)

QUOTABLES FROM "LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON" September 28 – October 2       (Read More)

THE "LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Signs You're Dealing with a Bad Cryonic Preservation Company"       (Read More)

THE "LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Sarah Palin Tips for Writing a Book"       (Read More)

CBS ORDERS ANOTHER CYCLE OF "FLASHPOINT"

New York, N.Y., October 6th, 2009.               CBS has renewed the police drama FLASHPOINT, ordering 13 episodes for broadcast later this season.

         Last season, FLASHPOINT won its Friday (9:00-10:00 PM) time period in viewers and key demographics averaging 9.55m viewers, 2.9/08 in adults 25-54 and 2.1/06 in adults 18-49.

          FLASHPOINT premiered in July 2008 and became the summer's top original scripted series, averaging 8.03 million viewers and winning its time period against non-Olympic competition.

          FLASHPOINT, starring Hugh Dillon, Enrico Colantoni, Amy Jo Johnson and David Paetkau, depicts the emotional journey into the tough, risk-filled lives of a group of cops in the Strategic Response Unit.

          FLASHPOINT was originally developed by CTV, Canada's largest privately owned English language broadcast network and Toronto-based Pink Sky Entertainment. For the series, Pink Sky joined forces with Avamar Entertainment in association with CBS Television Studios and CTV. The series has been broadcast concurrently in both the U.S. and Canada.

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CBS AND ITS NEW MEDICAL SERIES "THREE RIVERS" PARTNER WITH DONATE LIFE AMERICA

New York, N.Y., October 1st, 2009.               CBS has partnered with Donate Life America, raising awareness of how and why to become an organ donor in conjunction with the Network’s new medical series, THREE RIVERS. Among the joint marketing initiatives are a "CBS Cares" PSA, digital ads in Department of Motor Vehicles throughout the country, the mass distribution of Donate Life awareness bracelets, and social networking outreach.

Details of the campaign outreach follow:

“CBS Cares” PSA — THREE RIVERS series lead Alex O’Loughlin, a trained Donate Life ambassador, is featured in a Network public service announcement in which he reveals that he is an organ, eye and tissue donor and adds: "You also have the power to donate life — visit donatelife.net."   Those who visit the Web site can learn how to become a donor in their state.

Donate Life Awareness Bracelets — Tens of thousands of green Donate Life awareness bracelets packaged with THREE RIVERS art and tune-in information are being distributed at several Donate Life America-affiliated events and via CBS properties such as "The Price Is Right" studio audiences, the CBS Store in New York City and the CBS Scene restaurant in Foxborough, Mass. The CBS Television Distribution talk show "The Doctors" provided the bracelets to their audience members when Alex O’Loughlin taped a guest appearance to talk about THREE RIVERS and the efforts of Donate Life America. O’Loughlin wears a Donate Life awareness bracelet on that episode of "The Doctors," which will be broadcast Friday, Oct. 2. O’Loughlin’s series character, a lead organ transplant surgeon, can also be seen wearing the bracelet on the premiere episode of THREE RIVERS this Sunday.

Department of Motor Vehicles Digital Ads — A THREE RIVERS promotional spot tagged with Donate Life information, encouraging people to check the donor box as they apply for or renew a license, will be shown on the Motor Vehicle Network (MVN) at select DMV locations throughout the country.

Social Networking Outreach — CBS has produced a THREE RIVERS page on the social media utility SocialVibe that enables people to create a Donate Life badge to post on their social networking profile(s) as a means of building interest in the new series and furthering the organ donation awareness efforts of Donate Life America. THREE RIVERS is also being promoted on Donate Life America’s Facebook page.

Additionally, the creative force behind THREE RIVERS has an ongoing working relationship with Donate Life America. "We have been working with Donate Life to ensure THREE RIVERS’ accuracy," said THREE RIVERS’ executive producer/creator Carol Barbee. "We are hoping that the awareness from our show and the outreach from the combined efforts of CBS and Donate Life will result in an increase in donor registration which in turn will save lives."

"Our goal is to get people to take action now and register as an organ and tissue donor on their state donor registry," said David Fleming, executive director of Donate Life America, which creates national donor education campaigns that are implemented locally. "If CBS can help people take this action, then they can help save lives."

THREE RIVERS also stars Katherine Moennig, Daniel Henney, Christopher J. Hanke, Alfre Woodard and Justina Machado. It is produced by CBS Television Studios.

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“IDOL GIVES BACK” RETURNS AS PART OF “AMERICAN IDOL” RESULTS SHOW WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, ON FOX

Los Angeles, Ca., October 6th, 2009.               AMERICAN IDOL will once again host IDOL GIVES BACK, the Emmy Award-winning television event and musical celebration raising awareness and funds to benefit various U.S. and international charities, during the Top 7 Results Show Wednesday, April 21 (8:00-10:00 PM ET live/PT tape-delayed) on FOX. Children’s Health Fund, Feeding America, Malaria No More, Save the Children’s U.S. Programs and the United Nations Foundation are confirmed beneficiaries.

“I am very pleased to announce that we will be doing our third IDOL GIVES BACK on April 21, 2010,” said Simon Fuller, IDOL creator and CEO of 19 Entertainment. “This is our opportunity to reach out and support the people of America and around the world who need our compassion and generosity to improve or even save their lives. America will undoubtedly prove once again what a remarkable and generous nation it is. For AMERICAN IDOL to be able to facilitate this kind of initiative makes me very proud.”

“In today’s tough economic times, it’s more important than ever – but more difficult than ever – to raise money to help those in need,” said Mike Darnell, President of Alternative Entertainment, Fox Broadcasting Company. “With this year’s IDOL GIVES BACK, we’re focused on raising awareness about the challenges that so many children and families currently face and demonstrating how even small donations can make a difference and help save lives. Every little bit counts.”

“There’s never been a more important and appropriate time to give what we can to help those less fortunate,” said Cecile Frot-Coutaz, executive producer of AMERICAN IDOL. “We all have less to give, and we may not raise as much as in previous years, but with the power of the IDOL platform and the generosity of our viewers, we hope to extend a much-needed compassionate hand to those children and families who need us the most in these trying economic times.”

IDOL GIVES BACK has made history by raising over $140 million for charity to date. Viewers will once again be able to make donations during and following the show. In addition, the week’s voting results will be revealed, sending one of the finalists home.

The brainchild of Simon Fuller, this year’s special will feature performances and appearances by some of Hollywood’s biggest stars – as well as a few surprises – live from the AMERICAN IDOL stage. In previous years, IDOL GIVES BACK has welcomed President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, former President George W. Bush, Brad Pitt, Bono, Reese Witherspoon, Miley Cyrus, Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, Annie Lennox, Daughtry, Carrie Underwood, Mariah Carey, Gwen Stefani, Josh Groban, Pink, Céline Dion, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller and others.

Funds raised by the charity special will be distributed by the IDOL GIVES BACK Foundation to the following beneficiaries:

Children’s Health Fund (www.childrenshealthfund.org)

Founded in 1987 by singer/songwriter Paul Simon and pediatrician/advocate Irwin Redlener, MD, Children’s Health Fund (CHF) is the nation’s leading pediatric provider of mobile-based health care for homeless and low-income children and their families. CHF’s mission is to bring health care directly to those in need through the development and support of innovative medical programs, response to public health crises, and the promotion of guaranteed access to health care for all children. Teams of dedicated medical professionals in CHF’s 24 pediatric programs in 15 states and the District of Columbia have brought essential primary care services through more than 2 million patient visits.

Feeding America (www.feedingamerica.org)

Feeding America provides low-income individuals and families with the fuel to survive and even thrive. As the nation’s leading domestic hunger-relief charity, our network members supply food to more than 25 million Americans each year, including 9 million children and 3 million seniors. Serving the entire United States, more than 200 member food banks support 63,000 agencies that address hunger in all of its forms. Feeding America is headquartered in Chicago.

Malaria No More (www.malarianomore.org)

Malaria No More is determined to end malaria deaths in Africa. Every 30 seconds, a child in Africa dies of this preventable and treatable disease, but a simple mosquito net can save lives. Malaria No More leverages breakthrough communications, global advocacy and smart investments to reach its goal of providing universal access to malaria interventions by the end of 2010 and ending deaths by 2015. Through the support of IDOL GIVES BACK, Malaria No More has helped millions of families in Africa protect themselves from malaria in Uganda, Zambia, Angola, Madagascar, Mali, Nigeria and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. In addition, generous sponsorship of IDOL GIVES BACK from ExxonMobil helped Malaria No More strengthen country capacity and improve the delivery and use of malaria interventions in Africa. Together, we can make malaria no more.

Save the Children (www.savethechildren.org)

Save the Children is the leading independent organization creating real and lasting change for children in need in the United States and around the world. Save the Children’s U.S. Programs focus on underserved rural areas, where one in five children lives in poverty. Partnering with schools and community organizations, Save the Children provides high-quality early childhood education services for children from birth to age five as well as literacy, physical activity and nutrition programs for children in kindergarten through eighth grade, benefiting over 52,000 children nationwide. Save the Children’s work in the United States also includes emergency preparedness, response and recovery. When a disaster strikes, Save the Children deploys trained teams to help displaced children and families and provide more secure environments. In addition, Save the Children works with local, state and national governments to ensure that the unique needs of children are integral in emergency response plans.

United Nations Foundation (www.unfoundation.org)

The United Nations Foundation, a public charity, was created in 1998 with entrepreneur and philanthropist Ted Turner’s historic $1 billion gift to support UN causes and activities. The UN Foundation is an advocate for the UN and a platform for connecting people, ideas, and resources to help the United Nations solve global problems. The UN Foundation’s work is focused on decreasing child mortality, improving disaster relief, protecting diverse cultures and environments, creating a clean energy future, empowering women and girls and improving U.S.-UN relations.

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NBC JOINS DREAMWORKS ANIMATION TO AIR TWO ALL-NEW FAMILY-FRIENDLY HOLIDAY SPECIALS BASED ON BLOCKBUSTER ANIMATED FILMS, 'MONSTERS VS. ALIENS' AND 'MADAGASCAR'

Universal City, Ca., September 30, 2009.               NBC has joined with DreamWorks Animation SKG, Inc. (Nasdaq: DWA) to air two all-new, family-friendly animated holiday television specials based on the studio’s blockbuster feature films, “Monsters vs. Aliens” and “Madagascar,” both featuring many of the characters as voiced by the original talent from the films.

The first of the 30-minute specials is titled, “Monsters vs. Aliens: Mutant Pumpkins from Outer Space,” and is based on the 2009 smash hit, “Monsters vs. Aliens.” It features the voices of cast members Reese Witherspoon, Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie, Will Arnett, Kiefer Sutherland and Rainn Wilson (NBC’s "The Office"). The special is set to air on Wednesday, October 28 (8-8:30 p.m. ET, repeating from 8:30-9 p.m. ET). The second special, "Merry Madagascar," is based on the hugely successful smash hits, "Madagascar" and "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa," which both featured the voices of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer, Jada Pinkett Smith, Cedric The Entertainer and Andy Richter. The special, which also features the voice of Carl Reiner, is scheduled to broadcast on Tuesday, November 17 (8-8:30 p.m. ET) and repeat on Saturday, November 28 (8-8:30 p.m. ET) – just before the holiday season.

The announcement was made today by Angela Bromstad, President, Primetime Entertainment, NBC and Universal Media Studios.

"This is a major coup for NBC to join together with the esteemed artists at DreamWorks Animation as we bring to life new holiday stories based on these popular and lovable characters,” said Bromstad. “We are intent on providing original, family-friendly programs that reflect the quality that big-screen audiences have come to expect from these franchises."

"We are thrilled to have two new DreamWorks Animation shows on NBC this holiday season," said Ann Daly, Chief Operating Officer of DreamWorks Animation. “The creative teams from the hit feature films were reunited to make these new specials and we hope they will become annual holiday favorites for families."

"Monsters vs. Aliens: Mutant Pumpkins from Outer Space" is produced by Latifa Ouaou and directed by Peter Ramsey from a screenplay by Adam F. Goldberg. The story continues after the events of "Monsters vs. Aliens," as Susan Murphy (Witherspoon) and the Monsters now work with the U.S. government as special operatives. When an alien presence is detected in Susan’s hometown of Modesto, California -- right before Halloween -- the team is dispatched to investigate. Everything appears normal, right down to the jack-o-lanterns peering out from every doorstep and windowsill. But when Halloween arrives, those innocent-looking carved pumpkins are revealed for what they really are -- mutant aliens. The altered pumpkins then start to implement their fiendish plan to take over Earth. The Monsters are there to combat the mutant gourds and try to smash their wicked scheme.

"Merry Madagascar" was written by David Soren, Eric Darnell and Tom McGrath. The executive producer is Mireille Soria; Joe Aguilar is the producer and David Soren directs. The brand new holiday adventure stars everyone’s favorite Central Park "zoosters" from "Madagascar" and "Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa." "Merry Madagascar" begins when Santa and his sleigh unexpectedly crash-land on the island, giving the jolly gentleman a case of amnesia. So it falls to Alex, Marty, Melman and Gloria -- along with the ever-inventive Penguins -- to deliver the presents and save Christmas. And it doesn’t hurt that Santa’s Sleigh just might be able to make a little trip to New York City, so they can finally return to their beloved home. But during their appointed rounds, the four re-discover the magic of giving -- and that it is ultimately more important than their own wish to return home. Also included is a long-lasting North Pole/South Pole rivalry between the Penguins and Santa’s reindeer, plus magic flying dust and a King Julien-based holiday called "Julienuary."

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JENNIFER HUDSON: I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS," COMING THIS DECEMBER TO ABC

New York, N.Y., October 6th, 2009.               Jennifer Hudson, the multi-talented actress-singer whose accolades include an Academy Award for the movie "Dreamgirls" and a Grammy for "Best R&B Album" heads back to her hometown of Chicago to share childhood memories of the music, people and places that set the stage for her phenomenal success, in the hour-long primetime music special, "Jennifer Hudson: I'll Be Home for Christmas," airing this December on the ABC Television Network.

Hudson relives her childhood Christmases with musical performances shot on location at the small neighborhood church where she brought the congregation to its feet week after week; the music academy where she studied; and other Chicago sites. Hudson also visits with family members, childhood friends and others whose influences have been instrumental in her rise from humble beginnings to Hollywood stardom.

"I am thrilled that Jennifer chose ABC to be the home for her very first holiday special," said Vicki Dummer, senior vice president, Alternative Series, Specials and Late-Night, ABC Entertainment Group. "I can't wait to hear her take on Christmas classics as we discover what she loves about her hometown of Chicago."

In addition to winning an Academy Award, Hudson's breakout performance in "Dreamgirls" also brought her a Golden Globe Award, a Screen Actors Guild Award, a BAFTA and an NAACP Image Award. She has also been honored by the Broadcast Film Critics Association, the National Board of Review and as "Entertainer of the Year" at the Soul Train Awards. Hudson's self-titled first album won a Grammy Award for "Best R&B Album." The album also won three awards at the 2009 NAACP Image Awards including "Best Album." The RIAA Gold Certified album marked the biggest first week sales for an R&B entry since 2004.

More recently, Hudson has continued to build impressive film credits and demonstrate her range in the films "The Secret Life of Bees" and "Sex and the City: The Movie." She performed the national anthem at the 2009 Super Bowl, and she had her debut national tour, co-headlining with Robin Thicke, earlier this year.

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NBC.COM GIVES VIEWERS A CHANCE TO STREAM NBC'S 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE' IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE BROADCAST

New York, N.Y., October 2nd, 2009.               NBC.com is giving viewers of critically acclaimed, fan-favorite series "Saturday Night Live" the chance to stay "up-to-date" with every hilarious moment by streaming the current season's episodes. The premiere episode is available now at http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/episodes/?vid=1162391#vid=1162391.

A full list of NBC shows streaming this season follows:

"30 Rock"
"The Biggest Loser"
"Chuck"
"Community"
"Days of our Lives"
"Heroes"
"The Jay Leno Show"
"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon"
"Mercy"
"The Office"
"Parks and Recreation"
"Saturday Night Live"

"SNL Weekend Update Thursday"
"Southland"
"The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien"
"Trauma"

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QUOTABLES FROM 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WEEKEND UPDATE THURSDAY' WITH SETH MEYERS ... OCTOBER 1, 2009

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR SETH MEYERS - "It was reported Tuesday that Sarah Palin has finished writing her memoirs, just four months after her book deal was announced. Now the editor just has to go through it and put in the punctuation."

MEYERS - "Many health officials are advising people that they can lessen their chances of getting the flu by not touching their eyes, noses or lips with their fingers. Bad news for America's third base coaches."

MEYERS - "A new law went into effect Wednesday in Arizona that will allow guns into Arizona bars and restaurants that serve alcohol. Certainly brings new meaning to the phrase "shot-gunning a beer," am I right? No, but seriously, someone is going to get murdered."

MEYERS - "It was reported this week that because of their growing numbers, Humpback whales may soon be removed from the endangered species list. Next stop, the dollar menu."

MEYERS - "Tufts University recently responded to a large number of student complains about roommate sexual activities by instituting a new policy that prohibits sex while the other roommate is in the room. Students have already found a loophole: they're going to do it anyway."

MEYERS - "A woman in New Hampshire celebrated her 92nd birthday by sky-diving. Unfortunately, she did it wears her grandson's Spiderman backpack."

MEYERS - "Britney Spears this week debuted her new single "3," which is about a ménage a trios. Even more disturbing, the B-side contains a song called "12."

MEYERS - "A new report suggests that the disease trench mouth may have led to the extinction of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. That makes sense. After all, they couldn't really floss with their tiny arms."

MEYERS - "A woman in Florida was arrested after walking through security at a local courthouse with marijuana in her purse. Meanwhile, her boyfriend was at home wondering why there were Altoids in the Altoids tin."

MEYERS - "A farmer in Bangladesh on Wednesday was awarded a prize for killing more than 83,000 rats. "Hey, where's my prize?" said the F train."

MEYERS - "A woman in Florida says that a plastic bad that contained her uncle's ashes was stolen during a burglary. That's got to be crushing-losing ashes of the dead Uncle who meant so much to you that you kept his remains in a plastic bag."

MEYERS - "A group of nine homeless sex offenders have set up camp in a wooded area behind a suburban Atlanta office park. But don't worry - they still had to go tree to tree to tell the animals they were moving in.

MEYERS - A man in Massachusetts, who used a pellet fun to steal a hot dog from another man in a park, has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. And just for future reference, stealing a guy's wallet can buy you lots of hot dogs."

MEYERS - "A man in Massachusetts, who used a pellet fun to steal a hot dog from another man in a park, has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. And just for future reference, stealing a guy's wallet can buy you lots of hot dogs."

For the full episode of "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WEEKEND UPDATE THURSDAY" click below:
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/episodes/?vid=1162724

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QUOTABLES FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH SETH MEYERS" OCTOBER 3, 2009

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR SETH MEYERS - "Although many in Chicago were disappointed, with the decision of the International Olympic Committee, Cubs fans took the news best as they're used to hearing the phrase…'Chicago has been eliminated.'"

MEYERS - "Iran on Thursday agreed to open its newly revealed uranium enrichment plant to international inspectors in the next two weeks and to send most of its enriched uranium to Russia to be turned into fuel. See, nothing to worry about. They're just enriching tons of uranium and sending it to Russ--wait, what?"

MEYERS - "A producer for 48 Hours was arrested Thursday for attempting a "stupid human trick." It was reported that the blackmailer, Joe Halderman, was threatening to reveal embarrassing details of his personal life. For example, after sex Letterman would always say, 'Stay tuned for Craig Ferguson.'"

MEYERS - "It was reported this week that director Roman Polanski's arrest on unlawful sex charges came as he arrived in Switzerland where he was to attend a film festival and receive a lifetime achievement award. In light of this, Osama bin Laden will be given the Irving G. Thalberg award at this year's Oscars."

MEYERS - "At the United Nations Security Council on Wednesday, Hillary Clinton, referring to her position as president of the council, said "I kind of like being a president." Oh, we just had an election last year, you should have said something."

MEYERS - "According to the doctor who performed his autopsy report, Michael Jackson was mostly in fine physical shape when he died. The doctor then added, 'Oh- nope- hang on, I had the chart upside down, god no in heaven…'"

MEYERS - "On Wednesday, a 55 year-old inmate escaped from Rikers Island after he convinced guards that he was a lawyer. Guards probably should've become suspicious when he was wearing a suit he carved out of soap."

MEYERS - "A new study shows that kids who eat a lot of candy are more likely to be arrested for violent behavior as adults, said that weird old lady who gives out apples on Halloween."

MEYERS - "It is being reported that Kate Hudson may be pregnant with boyfriend Alex Rodriguez's baby. If true it would be the first time A-Rod has ever produced in October."

MEYERS - "A high school in Georgia has banned its cheerleaders from displaying football banners with biblical verses on them as school-sponsored groups cannot promote a particular religious view. I believe the quote in question refers to Jesus, who once said of the Pharasees, 'push 'em back, push 'em back, waaaay back.'"

MEYERS - "This week paleontologists revealed a discovery of "Ardi," a 4 million year-old female human ancestor. Based on this artists' rendering, scientists were able to determine that Ardi had a tough time in high school."

MEYERS - "Nevada on Thursday began issuing domestic partnership certificates as a state law went into effect providing many marital rights to gay partners. "Yay!" said every magician in Las Vegas."

For more of "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," click below:
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/episodes/?apl=true#vid=1163334

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QUOTABLES FROM "LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON" September 28 – October 2

"Did you guys see this? While the Pope was making a speech in Prague on Saturday, a spider was crawling all over him. It was crazy. You know you're boring when cobwebs are being formed on you while you're still TALKING!"

"The movie "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" came in first again at the box office – taking in $24.6 million and proving, for the second week in a row, that parents will do anything to avoid talking to their kids."

"Director Roman Polanski was arrested at the airport in Switzerland yesterday – for having sex with a minor 32 years ago. Polanski knew that he was in trouble when he heard this announcement, "Welcome aboard - this is your pilot speaking. I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC.""

"Yesterday, after a long and successful career, the founder of the Gap, Donald G. Fisher, died yesterday at the age of 81. He's survived by his wife, and GAP Kids."
"Per Fisher's request, his coffin was "Relaxed Fit.""
"Fisher was a great American…he even served in the Old Navy."

"I'm glad to hear Conan O'Brien is back to work and doing well – he hit his head while rehearsing a stunt on Friday. Apparently that thing on his head is not a protective helmet, that's actually his hair. Glad you're back at work buddy."

"Researchers in Brazil say that the venom from a rare Brazilian spider can be used to treat erectile dysfunction. When they heard that, even the men in PETA were like "Test it on the mice first.""
"How did they even find that out that the venom in a spider can be used? I'd hate to be that researcher's assistant. "Hey Gary, get over here and take your pants off, I have a hunch…""

"In Georgia, a woman discovered that 2 teenagers had broken into her home and stole jewelry and 20 Fruit Roll-Ups. Police are investigating what kind of woman would "count" fruit roll ups."

"And finally, Congratulations to "60 Minutes," which began its 42nd season last night. Wow, it's almost old enough to start watching itself."

"Big healthcare news has just happen- the public option backed by President Obama was just voted down by the Senate Finance Committee. Or as supporters of universal health care call them, the death panel."
"The final tally was 8 voted "yes," 15 voted "you lie.""

"Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir will be released on November 17. It's called "Going Rogue: An American Life." Critics say it starts out okay, it gets really exciting, then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank."
"The book costs $24.99, but it has a $5,000 jacket. It's controversial."

"The President of the World Bank said yesterday that the Euro could replace the American Dollar as the new global currency. The Treasury Department is telling everyone not to panic, just calmly throw your money away."

"According to Triple-A there is now officially - "an epidemic of distracted driving" out on the road. When I read that I was so shocked I had to pull over."

"A man in Queens was arrested for stealing Two Dollars and Sixty Cents from a payphone. As far as I'm concerned, if you're willing to TOUCH a payphone, you deserve Two Dollars and Sixty Cents."

"This is incredible. Miners in South Africa discovered a 507-carat diamond this week – one of the largest diamonds ever found. It's so nice, that Kobe's wife is PRAYING he cheats on her."

"There's a new book out written by two psychologists called "Why Women Have Sex." Not to be confused with the book "Why Men Have Sex," which is just a napkin with boobs scribbled on it."

"And finally, Lady Gaga – who will be on SNL this weekend – is being honored on Friday as Billboard Magazine's newest "Rising Star." I think Gaga deserves it – she has the total package."

"Yesterday the Senate Finance committee rejected the Democrats Health Care plan- the one with the Public Option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own plan entitled: "Stop Crying & Take an Advil.""
"And if that doesn't pass – they're gonna go with: "Swine Flu Fever: Catch It!""

"Nancy Pelosi attended the U2 concert last night in Washington, D.C. as Bono's personal guest. She had a great time. The whole night she was on the verge of making an expression."
"U2 even dedicated a song to her face—"Stuck In a Moment You Can't Get Out Of.""

"Michelle Obama told "Prevention" magazine that at 45, she wants to be in the best shape of her life. Meanwhile, Joe Biden told the magazine that at 63, he wants to be in the shape of a unicorn."

"Toyota recalled 4 million cars yesterday over problems because of defective floor mats that could lead to a crash. Chrysler was like, "Um, if you're not gonna use those floor mats, we'll take 'em.""

"British Airways began offering luxury business flights between London and New York starting at 3,172 dollars. Hey if I want to pay three grand to sit in a chair for hours I'll just go to a Yankee game."

"Woody Allen signed a petition objecting to director Roman Polanski's arrest for having sex with a minor. If there's one person you want defending you on that kinda thing, it's Woody Allen."

"It was announced yesterday that Cleveland, Ohio will host the 2014 Gay Games. That's weird – I thought New York always hosted the Tony Awards."
"When they heard that the gay games were in Cleveland, Ohio - San Francisco was like: "Uh, hello?!!""

"Starbucks now has it's own Instant Coffee – it's called Via. The directions are simple: fill a cup with hot water, add the instant coffee, and then yell out your name incorrectly. (Jeremy? Jarvis?)"
"Here's something good. The U.S. is bringing home more than 4,000 troops from Iraq by the end of October. But Joe Wilson thinks the troops should stay till, "Ju-ly!""

"And finally, a new law took effect in Arizona today that allows people to bring loaded guns into bars. On the bright side – more body shots."

"President Obama is on the road. His first stop was Geneva where he held talks with Iranian diplomats about Iran's nuclear weapons program. Or as Iran's saying, "What nuclear weapons program?""
"But now, Obama is in Copenhagen. He is trying to get the Olympics in Chicago, while Iran is getting ready to nuke the world. This could explain Obama's his new Secret Service codename: President Bush."

"Sarah Palin's new autobiography – that doesn't come out until November - is already #1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, "People who bought this book also bought… no other books in their entire lives.""
"Yeah Palin's book is #1 at Amazon. It's #1 at Barnes & Noble's… and it would be on sale at Borders, but she had them all closed."
"I thought this was nice—out of good sportsmanship, the foreword was written by a moose."

"Here's some good news - drug companies just shipped out the first batches of the "swine flu vaccine" – weeks ahead of schedule. Because that's how I always want my new, barely-tested pharmaceuticals: extra rushed."

"Yesterday I was leafing through this medical journal called Pain Magazine. Anyway, there's a great article about how women adapt to pain faster than men. I would have kept on reading it, but I got a nasty paper cut. It still hurts."

"Spencer Pratt from the MTV show "The Hills" told the New York Post that he barely has sex with his wife Heidi - because he's scared she'll get pregnant. But not as scared as the rest of us."

"There's a four-year-old boy – living in China - who has been a heavy smoker since he was two. Isn't that awful. His first words were: "Can I go out to play now?"
"I only smoke when I drink – out of my bottle."
"When Britney Spears heard this, she was like "You found my kid, yo??""

"Over in Bangladesh a man won a color television for killing more than 83,000 rats in nine months. Yeah - their "Deal or No Deal" is way different than ours."

"And finally, General Motors has announced yesterday that it's discontinuing the Saturn. They will not make it anymore. Now parents will have to find some other car to disappoint their kids at graduation with."

"Today the Olympic Committee voted on whether Chicago, Tokyo, Rio, or Madrid would host the 2016 Olympics. I don't know if it was rigged, but the winner was "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.""
"Actually Rio De Janeiro was chosen to host the 2016 Summer Games. The whole city is very excited. The announcement was made at one o'clock today and they've been celebrating like crazy for fifty years."

"Ken Lewis, the CEO of Bank of America, will receive a 53 million dollar pension when he retires at the end of the year. But he can only get it out of the ATM - 20 dollars at a time."

"Captain "Sully" Sullenberger piloted his first flight yesterday since his "Miracle on the Hudson" landing last January. Before takeoff, he said, "And in the event we are forced to make a water landing… I got it…And you know what? Keep your tray tables wherever you want to keep them, I don't even care.""

"According to a new autopsy report, Michael Jackson was in good health for a man of his age. I don't know, I'm pretty sure a guy his age is supposed to have a nose. But I'm not a doctor though so I don't know."

"TLC shut down filming of the kids on "Jon & Kate Plus 8" after it was served with a cease-and-desist order from Jon Gosselin. When asked about it, Jon said, "I just want what's best for little…what's-her-name…. and what's-his-name…and then the cute one with the glasses.""

"A new book called, "Why Women Have Sex," says there are 237 reasons why women have sex. And folks, Letterman knows the top ten."

"According to a new book, Red Sox Hall of Famer Ted Williams' frozen head was clubbed multiple times by a lab technician at a Cryogenics facility. Which was really unfortunate, because baseball souvenirs are always worth more in mint condition."

"Today is the 50th anniversary of the first episode of the "Twilight Zone." Or is it?"

"A 10-year-old girl in England put her grandmother up for sale on eBay… saying that she "moans a lot," but – "she is cuddly and loves word searches." I CANNOT believe someone would do that to their grandmother. And I CANNOT believe that I got outbid."

"And finally, Flavor Flav will star in a new reality show about him finally attending high school. Something tells me… this show is gonna be on longer than four years."

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THE "LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Signs You're Dealing with a Bad Cryonic Preservation Company"

As presented on the Monday, Sept. 28 broadcast

10.       It's called "Cryonics ‘n Things."

9.         Cold storage room is kept at 74 degrees.

8.         At Christmas party, you find grandpa's head chilling the eggnog.

7.         Motto: "If we don't bring you back to life...what are you going to do about it?"

6.         "State-of-the-art freezer" is an igloo cooler in backseat of owner's Hyundai.

5.         Every now and then, the body of Karl Malden wakes up and eats someone.

4.         From inside the storage pods, you hear faint cries for help.

3.         Rated last in "Cryonic Preservation Weekly."

2.         For fun, technicians dress bodies to reenact this week's "Mad Men."

1.         Representative answers all your questions with, "Huh?"

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THE "LATE SHOW" TOP TEN "Sarah Palin Tips for Writing a Book"

As presented on the Tuesday, Sept. 29 broadcast

10.       Close curtains so you don't get distracted by Russia.

9.         Increase vocabulary - use words like "slanket."

8.         First buy yourself 100-grand worth of writing outfits.

7.         Don't write a word until the check clears.

6.         Limit yourself to one "you betcha" per chapter.

5.         You can never have enough stories about ice fishing or killing things with your bare hands.

4.         When in doubt, just type (wink).

3.         Don't let writing cut into attending "fire Letterman" rallies.

2.         Have the book translated for sale to European countries like London.

1.         "I'll try to find ya some tips and I'll bring ‘em to ya!"

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